But Then Again, I Have to Love Me More

After one decade passed me by, I finally fell in love in again. I met a guy, a sweet one, who made me fall for him. I fell for his small gestures, his smile, his laughter… A few days ago, it just hit me… this feeling has gone deeper than I ever planned.

What makes him so special? Honestly, I’m not quite sure about that. I have seen his flaws, I have even seen him in his lowest point, but I just don’t care. He, his past, his problems, his insecurities… even with all that, he is still my favorite person.

One day I looked at him and I just knew… that I loved him.

But just a short while after that revelation, I also realized that he doesn’t love me the way I love him. He doesn’t have any plan for me. He doesn’t see me in his future. I’m all alone in my illusions. Or even if it’s true there is something between us, it’s only a fling to him. He doesn’t even remember all the things he used to say to me. It’s easy for him just to forget all his promises. And with all his self doubts about himself, I may have to spend a huge amount of efforts in a very long period of time just to convince him to be with me. And I don’t want that for myself.

I love him, but I have to love me more.

If he doesn’t want what I want and what I deserve to have, then no matter how much I love him, I simply have to love myself more.

Last night before I went to bed, I sighed and I whispered to myself, “Here we go… another episode of heartbreak.”

I’m tired of this. I really am. But as I heard from somewhere in some movie I watched, the only way to move on to the future is to let go of the past. And now I’m letting go.

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