A journey to remember

Archive for the ‘Love Story’ Category

Tadi malam, salah satu teman sekantor gue (cowok) bilang kurang lebih begini, “Dari dulu sampai sekarang, cowok itu selalu punya cara buat oppress cewek. Kalo dulu, caranya dengan ngelarang ini-itu. Kalo sekarang, caranya dengan mempermainkan emosinya cewek. Ghosting, PHP, apapun yang bisa bikin ceweknya tertekan.”

Oh man, he was so right! Agak kaget juga gue mendengar kalimat itu justru dari mulut cowok!

But don’t you guys think he’s right about what he said?

Emang sih, gak boleh pukul rata. Enggak semua cowok kayak gitu, dan bukan cuma cowok aja yang suka mempermainkan lawan jenis. Tapi kalau diamati, bukankah lebih banyak cowok yang mempermainkan cewek ketimbang cewek mempermainkan cowok?

Statement teman gue itu seperti wake-up call buat gue. Kita, perempuan, cuma jadi korban jika kita dengan sadar menempatkan diri kita sendiri sebagai korbannya.

Bagaimana bisa?

Dalam hati kecil sebetulnya kita sudah tahu, dia tidak serius dengan kita. Bisanya cuma kasih pertanda-pertanda yang tidak cukup jelas apa maksudnya. Kita tahu kita hanya korban PHP, tapi tetap saja, kita menaruh harapan kepada dia yang kita sukai itu. Andai kita memilih untuk move on, maka kita tidak akan pernah jadi korban PHP. We won’t be the victim, we’ll be the survivor.

Yang paling buruk dari cara cowok “oppress” cewek jaman sekarang (yang juga diamini oleh teman gue itu), adalah cowok semakin pintar dalam menjalankan taktiknya. Caranya sangat halus sampai kita tidak bisa menyalahkan mereka atas apapun yang mereka perbuat itu. Pada titik tertentu, kita bisa sampai berpikiran, “Am I delusional to think that he has feelings for me?”

Girls, wake up! This problem is REAL! Stop wasting your times for the wrong person! If he really likes you, he will go and get you! No excuse, no but, no fake signs and promises!

Kalau tulisan gue ini masih belum cukup convincing, coba baca atau nonton “He’s Just Not That Into You.”

Because the ugly truth is that… he’s just not that into you!

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Jadi ceritanya, akhir-akhir ini gue sedang tergila-gila dengan sport shoes. Gue beli langsung 2 pasang sepatu Nike setelah jatuh cinta dengan 1 pasang Nike yang gue beli akhir tahun lalu. Sepatunya empuk, nggak bikin lecet, nggak bikin pegal seperti high heels kesayangan!

But did you know? Awalnya gue paling anti pakai sepatu tertutup. Trauma! Sekitar 6 tahun yang lalu, kuku jempol kaki gue pernah kena luka dalam (kukunya seperti hampir lepas!) hanya karena gue pakai sepatu tertutup selama dua hari untuk keperluan stocktaking di kantor gue saat itu. Sejak itu, gue langsung blacklist semua jenis sepatu yang tertutup bagian depannya.

Kemudian akhir tahun yang lalu, gue terpaksa beli sport shoes untuk keperluan photoshoot The Lens Story (start-up yang baru gue bangun saat itu). Tema photoshoot-nya car free day, modelnya gue dan tiga orang teman cowok gue di kantor. Demi hasil foto maksimal, gue beli sepasang Nike pertama gue. Dan ternyata sepatu Nike itu nyaman banget dipakainya! Gue pakai lagi sepatu ini untuk berkunjung ke gunung Bromo, kemudian untuk stocktaking (lagi) di kantor baru gue, dan tetap nyaman tanpa ada masalah sama sekali!

Hari ini, begitu pulang ke kos dan melepas sepatu Nike terbaru gue, gue berpikir dalam hati, “Mungkin waktu itu, gue hanya belum menemukan merk sepatu yang tepat. Mesti coba berbagai jenis sepatu dengan berbagai merk baru bisa ketemu yang cocok.”

Gue terdiam sejenak. Soal cowok pun, mungkin, sebelumnya gue hanya belum menemukan cowok yang tepat. Mungkin, gue hanya harus memberi kesempatan pada tipe cowok yang berbeda dari biasanya.

Random banget sih memang, tapi teori dadakan ini relevan banget buat gue dalam begitu banyak hal!

Dulu, gue pernah anti banget pakai soft lens. Susah pakainya dan cuma bikin stres! Sekarang? Setelah beberapa ganti merk, akhirnya gue menemukan ukuran dan merk yang tepat dan sejak saat itu, gue malah merasa nggak nyaman jika harus mengganti soft lens dengan kacamata.

Gue juga pernah merasa tersiksa jika harus banget pakai alas bedak yang sangat ringan sekalipun (gue sampai jadi kurang excited kalau diminta jadi pagar ayu hanya karena malas bersentuhan dengan alas bedak). Wajah terasa tebal dan hanya bikin minyak di wajah semakin menggila. Tapi sekarang, setelah beberapa kali mencoba berbagai merk alas bedak, gue malah jadi ketagihan pakai alas bedak!

Dan yang paling mencolok, dulu gue paling benci dengan angka-angka! Matematika, fisika, aduh lihat bukunya saja gue sudah merinding! Semuanya berubah sangat-sangat drastis saat gue mengenal akuntansi. Gue 20 tahun yang lalu pastilah enggak menyangka bahwa gue bisa lulus S1 akuntansi dengan IPK 3.7!

Don’t you see? Sometimes, we only need to widen our choices just to get our perfect match!

Jangan keburu fed-up duluan, nyerah duluan, dan kapok duluan! Berikan kesempatan pada hal-hal baru untuk melihat mana yang paling cocok untuk diri kita ini! Terus-terusan mencoba segala sesuatu yang sama persis hanya akan memberikan hasil yang juga sama persis! Stick with the goal but be flexible with the methods!

Nah, gimana? Masih nyambung nggak analogi gue ini? Mungkin, untuk urusan jodoh pun, kita hanya perlu memberikan kesempatan pada lawan jenis yang berbeda dengan mantan-mantan kita sebelumnya.

Mungkin iya, mungkin juga tidak, tapi entah kenapa akhir-akhir ini, gue cenderung berpikiran bahwa mungkin, analogi gue ini memang benar adanya.

We’ll see!

In the past one decade, I’ve met a couple of gentlemen who treated me very well. Some of them were my dearest friends, some of them were the ones I fell in love with. Let me write this short list as an appreciation to each and everyone of them!

I love it when a man puts me before himself

I still remember a guy who gave me his only helmet to keep me safe (his other helmet was stolen that night). The same guy who cleaned the side of my dining table (a dirty one) in a Burger King restaurant.

There was also another guy who screened the food menu just to make sure there would be something I could eat (I was a picky eater), the same guy who asked for forks and spoons just for me to the waiters everytime we ate in Japanese or Chinese restaurant (I was terrible at using chopsticks).

I love it when a man takes a very good care of me

One day in Ramadhan a couple years ago, I was occupied with a conference call with my colleagues far away in China. It was fasting break time but I was too busy just to grab my own meal. Without being asked, a guy in my team brought the food for me right to my meeting room so that I could eat immediately. He was the same guy who took a plate and cutleries so that I could eat my cake on my desk (I was starving but I still had so many works to do).

There was another officemate who bought me an aspirin when I told him that my head hurt. The same guy who brought me my favorite TV shows DVD to my place when I was sick. He is my very best friend who is always around, that kind of friend who makes me hope that best friends forever is not just a myth!

I love it when a guy carefully listened every little thing I said

I once said that I didn’t like to sit in the middle of the back seat of a car and one guy remembered that very well. He gave up his window side seat for me because he said he knew that I disliked sitting in the middle. He was the same guy who bought me a movie DVD that I always wanted to watch (I only told this to him once and he remembered me when he saw that disc in a shopping mall).

Another guy found me a specific comic book that I was looking for many years ago (Detective Conan volume 13th). I didn’t mean to ask him to give me that book, but he listened how I wanted that book so badly and he brought one for me.

I love it when a man tries his own way to make me smile

I will never forget the day a guy sang me a song with his guitar. He sang the lyrics and he looked at me in between his song. Did you know what the song title was? It was, “Best I’ve Ever Had” by Vertical Horizon.

A dear friend handmade me a beautiful notebook with my name engraved to it. He put some quotes that fitted me perfectly in that book (and yes, he knew me that well!), and when he gave that book to me, he wrote a note saying that he gave that book as a celebration of our one decade friendship and he also wrote that one silly story on our first met. That gift had really made my day!

I love it when a man makes me feel like I’m the prettiest girl on earth

I once told a friend that I felt ugly without my make-up on that day, and he replied, “You actually look pretty now.”

I had a date with a guy and he never took his eyes off me. Some pretty girls passed our table but he didn’t look away. I also told him how beautiful my sister was, I showed him my sister’s picture on my phone, and he said, “I think she’s not that pretty.”

I simply love it when a guy looks me in the eyes and he smiles at me. Even without saying a word, what he does is more than enough to make me feel beautiful.

I love it everytime a man shows how well he knows how to be a gentleman

It’s the little things like carrying my heavy luggages, giving up his seats for me, driving me home in the middle of the night, or as simple as waiting until I catch my cab first. Men like this are somehow harder to find these days.

Oftentimes I think, I didn’t express enough gratitudes to the guys I mentioned in this post. You know… I’m just not good in expressing this kind of thing. My expression might look just flat despite the fact that I felt touched inside my heart! So here I write it all in this blog just to let them know how thankful I am. All the girls who end up to be with them are certainly the lucky ones 🙂

World Cup always reminds me of the worst heartbreak I have ever had. It had nothing to do with the World Cup itself, it’s just that the guy who took off was a big fan of football match and I happened to wave him goodbye in a World Cup season 8 years ago. I still remember one particular night when I couldn’t sleep thinking of him and I decided to watch a World Cup match to get myself bored hoping it could make me fall asleep. But of course it didn’t work! It made me think of him even deeper than before! That’s exactly why World Cup ends up identical to that one particular guy 😅

How bad was that heartbreak? Oh well, it was actually the reason behind this post. He took off, I felt so broken inside, I buried myself in tons of works from AM to AM, and then I got sick.

There is still this one untold story about what happened that night when I rushed myself to Medistra hospital. After the doctor letting me go, I still failed to sleep tight that night. As I wrote in that blog 8 years ago, I woke up in the middle of the night with itchy rashes all over my body. The truth is that what happened that night was actually way more than just my itchy skins.

I felt extremely weak when I woke up that night. My stomach hurt so much I wanted to find help. I walked to my bedroom door but you know what? I was too weak just to press my bedroom door! Knowing that I was the only help I had, I decided to go to the bathroom that was located in my bedroom. I lived in my aunty’s home at that time and the bathroom was a big one with vanity desk, dry toilet, bathtub, and shower all in one room. After pouring the powders all over my body, I felt weaker and weaker. I never thought pouring a handful of powders could be so exhausting!

I decided to go back to my bed but that time, I was not strong enough just to walk 3 meters away to my bed. My sight got blurry and it felt like I was about to pass out. So I stopped trying to walk back to my bed and I decided to lay down on the bathroom floor!

That night, when I laid down on that cold bathroom floors, I thought of him again and I told myself, “Enough… this torture has to stop right here right now! I have to stop torturing myself for the one that got away. I should love myself enough to let him go!”

Right after that night, I finally decided to move on with my life. I stopped hoping he would come around, I stopped trying to figure out how to make things right, and I stopped blaming myself for everything that I did wrong. The irony is that, even after all my efforts to let him go, it took me another 3 years to completely move on. It was not because I wanted to, it was merely because one day he called me and he told me he was going to get married with his new girlfriend. Somehow to me, that day was also some kind of happy ending: it was a way out ticket from my misery.

I have been very careful with my heart ever since all those episodes. I never let myself fall for someone until I know for sure what I was falling into. And then tonight, as I read a news update on 2018 World Cup, it brought back memories and I started to question myself. “Have I really moved on from this guy?”

Yes, I have no feeling remains and I’ve even stopped searching for answers on what really happened between he and I… but I’m just wondering if my decision to be very protective with myself was a right decision to make. In the past 8 years, in the process of me protecting myself, I might have hurt the ones who genuinely cared about me. I was so scared I refused to believe on a new beginning.

I wish I could end this post with a happy ending or conclusive action plan on what I shall do from now on… but that’s not the case, not this time. Relationship is always one thing I’m terrible at and I haven’t managed to find the reason why. Whatever it is, there is this one important thing I know: I don’t want to end up laying on the bathroom floor again!

And I hope, I really really hope, at some point of time, I can just watch a World Cup match as if nothing ever happened to me many years ago. That to me my friend, would be my ultimate moving on goal!

Apapun agamanya, gue cukup sering mendengar cewek yang bilang mereka menyerahkan keputusan yang terbaik soal cowok yang mereka sukai di tangan Tuhan. Jika baik mohon didekatkan, jika tidak baik mohon dijauhkan.

Sounds familiar?

Nah masalahnya sekarang, apakah benar kita sudah sepenuhnya mengikhlaskan pilihan kita itu di tangan Tuhan? Isi doanya memang menyiratkan demikian, tapi sikap dan tingkah laku kita masih saja menunjukkan yang sebaliknya. Kita masih saja berkeras bahwa sebetulnya, hanya “si dia” yang kita inginkan.

Contohnya, kita diam-diam masih sibuk mencari cara untuk berkomunikasi dengan dia. Kita sibuk cari topik yang tidak kelihatan “niat banget”. Ada pula yang sampai sengaja pergi ke tempat di mana si dia biasa hang out hanya supaya kelihatan “tidak sengaja ketemu dia di sana”. Jika masih dipaksakan seperti itu, betulkah kita ini ikhlas menyerahkan yang terbaik di tangan Tuhan?

Contoh lain yang sebetulnya terlihat sepele; kita masih aktif mengecek socmed si dia. Sebetulnya nggak papa sih sesekali stalking, menahan rasa penasaran justru bisa bikin makin kepikiran sehingga akhirnya malah makin susah move on. Tapi jika hal-hal yang lebih penting sampai terbengkalai hanya karena stalking, maka upaya kita itu jatuhnya sudah tidak sehat. Apalagi biasanya, stalking tidak berhenti sampai sekedar lihat-lihat saja. Dia pergi dengan lawan jenis lain? Langsung sibuk Google siapa orang yang pergi sama dia itu… Nah, kalau sudah begini, apakah masih terlihat seperti kita menyerahkan keputusan yang terbaik di tangan Tuhan?

Memang betul, berdoa dan berusaha harus dijalankan dalam waktu yang bersamaan. Tapi sebelumnya, harus dilihat konteksnya dulu! Biasanya, jika kita sampai mengucap doa yang gue kutip di atas, keadaannya kurang-lebih seperti ini:

  1. Kita ragu dengan perasaan dia;
  2. Kita ragu apakah akan ada masa depan antara kita dan dia; dan
  3. Kita sudah mulai melihat tanda-tanda patah hati atau bahkan sudah mulai mengalaminya.

Jika kita sampai mengalami 3 hal di atas, kemungkinannya, kita cuma sedang bertepuk sebelah tangan. Bisa jadi dia memang suka, tapi tidak serius. Tidak sampai tahap di mana dia ingin menghabiskan hidupnya bersama dengan kita. Jika sudah demikian, masih pantaskah untuk kita berusaha keras mendapatkan mereka?

Cowok kalau benar-benar suka, mereka akan berusaha untuk mewujudkannya. Kita sebagai perempuan harus camkan pemahaman yang satu itu! Jangan membuang waktu terlalu lama untuk cowok yang hanya membuat kita merasa “tidak diinginkan”. Atau cowok yang membuat kita merasa tidak cukup ok untuk dia. Jika si dia tidak menunjukkan perubahan, maka itulah jawaban Tuhan atas doa-doa yang kita panjatkan: dia bukanlah yang terbaik untuk hidup kita ini. Cukup ikhlaskan, dan jangan dipaksakan!

If he doesn’t love you enough to fight for your presence in his life, then love yourself enough to walk away and moving on.

Every relationship is oftentimes beautiful in the beginning but then it turns disappointing along the way. And here’s why.

In the beginning, you might love them for believing in you and bringing out the very best in you. You feel motivated, delighted, until someday that very same person started to feel differently. Life happened and it upset them. They were pissed, and it made you feel bad of yourself. You felt like they no longer had any faith in you. You were disappointed knowing that you might have failed the persons who believed in you.

In other case, you might fall for them for their kindness. You admired them for so many good reasons they had in them. In the beginning, they never ceased to wow you over and over. At the end of the day, they were only a human with tons of downsides. You started to realize that they were not as perfect as you thought they were. And then it hurt you; your very own expectations on them ended up disappointing yourself.

Or maybe in the beginning, you chose them because they were always there for you, for better or worse. They made you feel you were not alone. But then life got rough and they struggled to survive on their own. They were no longer available for you, they needed their times alone, and it made you feel like you were left behind. You were disappointed that you had to feel alone all over again.

And finally, most of the times, you fell for the people who completed you. They helped you, they took care of you in a way no else would. You found your comfort place until at some point, your dependance on them burdened their shoulders. They started to burn out and they seemed distant from you. They were right there with you but it just never felt the same again.

What is actually the problem here? The real problem behind our disappointment is actually the expectation that we unconsciously keep back in our mind. We expect all the good things between us and them will never change. We are not prepared to see the worst shapes of them nor to experience the bumpy road ahead of you. We overvalue and we create an illusion of one perfect person to be loved. When we fall in love, we tend to forget that they’re only one ordinary human with their own flaws, failures, and life problems. We want fairy tale despite the fact that we actually live in one harsh imperfect life.

Relationship is a lifetime effort. It will never ever be perfect, but if you choose the right person to make all those great efforts to get through all barriers in life, then at least, it’s going to be worth it.

Notes to men; here’s what’s going to happen after you let a girl go.

She will spend some times mourning, feeling sorry for herself, and she will spend more times wondering if there is still hope, even if it’s just a little hope. She will also be wondering what she did so wrong and if there is anything she can do to make it up to you. She may be crying over you, knowing that things will just never be the same again.

But then she’ll move on. She’ll start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. She’ll eventually have a new hope of a better future, even without you in it anymore.

She will miss you, sometimes. There will be times she checks your feed just to see your face again, or just to hear your life stories through your captions and tweets. She may also reopen her old chat with you and smile alone; a bitter smile, knowing that what’s gone is gone.

Life goes on and so does she. She’ll start a new life, meet new people, get herself busy with all the things that make her want to wake up and jump off the bed every morning in her life. Until someday, sooner or later, she starts to fall in love again.

Someday, you won’t matter to her anymore. She will forget the last time she checks your feed. She will tell her friends her love stories with you and she will laugh over it. She’ll cherish her memory about you and she let it go. She keeps you and all stories about you as a part of her past, she moves forward, and she’ll never look back.

She’ll learn that what doesn’t kill her makes her stronger is true… Losing you will make her stronger than she was before. She’ll embrace the one who stays for her, and she’ll be thankful for every smile and laughter she has on her face after all the tears she shed for you.

She won’t be there waiting for you for the rest of her life. She loves herself enough to let someone who doesn’t love her enough go out of her life. She knows she deserves better, and she believes in finding her right man, someday, somewhere in her future. She may still remember you, but it will never ever be the same again.


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About Me

What my blog is all about? It's all about my life; my very own fairy tale, that I would love to share. This is my story, my ups and downs, it's a journey to remember.

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