Saat Jatuh Cinta, Tidak Usah Hitung-hitungan!

Pernah merasa rugi karena kita yang lebih cinta sama gebetan atau sama pasangan kita? Serasa enggak ada timbal balik yang setimpal, berat sebelah, dan lain sebagainya…

Gue pernah. And I’m surprisingly okay with that.

Gue pernah nonton serial TV yang bercerita tentang cowok yang tergila-gila sama cewek yang hanya menganggap dia sebagai “teman baik”.

Cowok ini bilang ke ceweknya, “I love you so much my love is enough for both of us.”

Adegan yang menyentuh hati, hehehehe.

Jangan merasa rugi jika kita mencintai dia melebihi rasa cinta dia ke kita. Jangan pula merasa rugi bahkan di saat sebetulnya, kita hanya bertepuk sebelah tangan saja.

Kenapa?

Karena mencintai itu mengajarkan keberanian. Berani mencintai sama saja berani menerima resiko untuk tersakiti. Kenapa tersakiti? Karena luka yang disebabkan oleh orang yang kita cintai akan terasa jauh lebih menyakitkan ketimbang luka yang disebabkan oleh orang asing. Itulah sebabnya, punya cinta yang lebih besar sama dengan punya keberanian yang juga lebih besar. Jadi kenapa harus merasa rugi?

Tidak perlu dihitung betapa kita lebih mencintai dia daripada sebaliknya. Gue berpikirnya, mencintai dia sebesar itu adalah kemajuan besar buat diri gue sendiri. Gue yang akhirnya mau untuk setidaknya berusaha percaya pada orang lain, percaya pada diri sendiri, dan gue yang memberanikan diri untuk memgambil resiko bahwa semua ini… bisa berakhir dengan menyakiti diri gue sendiri.

I love him way more than whatever he feels about me… and I’m okay with that.

We Learn How to Love from The Hearts We Broke

Beberapa waktu yang lalu, gue ikut games di acara office gathering. MC mengajukan pertanyaan dan peserta diwajibkan menjawab pertanyaan itu dengan cara bangkit berdiri atau tetap duduk.

Salah satu pertanyaannya, “Bagi kamu yang pernah bikin orang lain patah hati, dipersilahkan berdiri.”

Ruangan dipenuhi dengan tawa, dan cukup banyak orang yang menjawab pertanyaan dengan cara berdiri. Gue hanya tertawa geli, sambil tetap duduk. Salah satu teman menunjuk ke arah gue sambil bilang, “Eh elo kok enggak berdiri, Rif?”

Sejak itu gue jadi berpikir… pernah kah gue bikin orang lain patah hari?

Pernah. Gue tahu gue pernah bikin orang lain jadi patah hati. Dan jujur, ada beberapa tingkah laku gue saat itu yang membuat gue menyesalinya.

Apa saja?

Gue menyesal pernah tiba-tiba kabur ke rumah tante saat gue sudah setuju untuk pergi nonton bareng cowok yang waktu itu sedang dekat dengan gue. Saat dia datang menjemput dan gue tidak di rumah, dia kirim SMS, dan gue tidak membalasnya. I knew that I should have texted him before he came, but I didn’t. I hated confrontation and I wanted him to just disappear… and that was actually cruel.

Gue menyesal pernah sengaja tidak membalas SMS, YM, dan tidak mengangkat telepon gebetan gue yang lainnya hanya karena gue masih ragu hubungan itu mau dibawa ke mana. Gue bahkan pernah dengan ketusnya membalas, “Elo sadar nggak sih, gue lagi berusaha ngehindarin elo?” I should have treated him better. I should have told him how I felt. And I’m so sorry I didn’t do any of that.

Gue menyesal pernah dengan judesnya menolak cowok yang sudah begitu banyak melakukan hal-hal manis buat gue. Hal-hal yang tidak pernah gue dapatkan dari begitu banyak cowok yang gue temui di tahun-tahun berikutnya. Seharusnya saat itu, gue lebih menghargai perhatian-perhatian kecil dia. He’s now happily married and I’m genuinely happy for him… he deserves that.

Gue menyesal pernah sengaja menjodohkan cowok yang gue sukai dengan teman gue sendiri. Entah apa alasannya. Padahal gue tahu cowok itu juga suka sama gue. Dan teman gue juga tidak minta dijodohkan. I guess I was just too afraid of getting too close to him. And I went back off. I was such a coward, wasn’t I?

Dan gue menyesal pernah beberapa kali bersikap seperti cewek plin-plan. Kadang hangat dan penuh perhatian, kadang dingin dan seolah tidak peduli sama sekali. Ragu sedikit saja, gue lebih memilih untuk menarik diri. I was always too afraid of getting hurt and when I thought I was just protecting myself, I hurt them along the way.

Bertahun-tahun sudah berlalu, dan akhirnya gue belajar dari pengalaman gue itu. Gue belajar untuk mengatasi rasa takut gue sendiri. Gue belajar untuk bertahan di saat-saat sulit. Gue belajar untuk memberanikan diri. Pelan-pelan, gue belajar untuk mencintai.

I wish I didn’t have to hurt all their feelings, but I did. And I have to admit… I learned how to love from the hearts those I broke. They all deserved better, and I sincerely hope, the universe will find its way to treat them better.

The Ones Who Are Hopeful of My Happy Ending

I don’t know why, but there were two colleagues in two separated occasions today happened to tell me how they were hoping for my “happy ending”.

The first one told me that he was optimistic that I was going to meet someone I had been looking for. I’d find someone who could make me want to settle down. He said that, “If there is someone who is appealing to you, I’m sure that guy is super cool!”

Later in that conversation I told him, “But that guy doesn’t even exist.”

He replied, “I’m positive. I’ll look forward to meeting him, no matter who he is.”

A few hours later, another friend told me, “I really hope not only you succeed with your career, but also in your love life. That will be your ultimate happiness in life, you know. I hope you two find your way. I’ll be happy when you are.”

It really touched me to hear all that! I often think that many people are unhappy seeing me going well with my life. Me being single is the only pleasure for these haters and it could really hurt sometimes. Knowing that I still have these two friends and a few others who are rooting for my happy ending is somewhat unexpected to me. These people are hard to find but I’m lucky enough to have some along my way. It really makes me wonder what I did so well I deserve all this!

And you know what… it brings me hopes, somehow. It makes me want to believe again that I will too, have my happy ending. Yeah I know it’s not going to be as beautiful as it might seem, but you know… having someone to share my life with, the one who loves me more than anyone else on earth, the one who takes me with all I have and all my flaws… that would be nice to have. But then if I think about it… having people who truly believe in all that feels very nice too! Not only they always have my back when others want to bring me down, they also sincerely wish a happier life for me to live in. It’s lovely, isn’t it?

This is one of the times when I find myself that even though I don’t have everything that other people might have, I also have so many things that other people might never have. And to this, I’m beyond grateful.

Hey, You!

Yes, you. If you read this, you know who you are. And you should probably know that I’m not a good speaker when it comes to my feelings, but as you also know, I’m a damn good writer.

Did you know? Someday, once you’ve found yourself, once you have faith in yourself, you’re going to make a man every girl is dreaming of. Your girlfriend (who someday is going to be your wife even though you always said you didn’t want that kind of typical life), is going to be the luckiest girl on earth.

You will take a very good care of her, just the way you once took care of me (or probably even much better than that!). You will always be considerate of her feelings and you want nothing but the best for her.

You’re going to do great in your career (I know you don’t buy it now, but we’ll see about that in the next one decade). If you think I’m awesome at my job right now, you can actually be more than I am in the next few years. You know I’m always right and I’m sure that I’m right about this one too 😉

Little by little, you will be better and better than you were yesterday. You’ll be stronger, tougher, and yet at the same time, you will be as kind as you are right now. You’ll move on from your past, you’ll forgive your failures, and finally, you will be super proud of who you are (as proud as I am of you right now).

What goes around comes around. You’ve been doing a lot of good things in the past few years. Let those good deeds define you. Just forget and ditch the darker version of you. If it doesn’t make you any better person, then let it go. Move on. You know you’re much better than that. And if you really believe in me, you should also believe everytime I said you could still do much better than everything you already did.

You know… I don’t fall in love easily. You must be one special man until without you know it, you make me fall for you. For a while, even just a little while, I could picture a future with you on the back of my mind. It really broke my heart the moment I realized… you never saw me in yours.

But that’s okay. You know I’m already used to it. You know that I always survived every heartbreak I’ve gone through. And this time, I will be fine too. You don’t need to worry about me. It will take a while until I’m okay with all these… but until then, I’m afraid, you and I will never be the same again.

You have to believe me when I say you’re worth to love. I wish I had what it took to make you love me as much as I love you. And when someday you find a girl who has all those things I do not have, give her a chance. You have to believe that you too… deserve a happy ending. You know you want it, and I know you deserve it.

You will always be a good friend of mine. It’s just that for a little while, I need some spaces. I have to move on. You have to help me to move on. Remember when you said you were rooting for me to find someone out there? I hope you meant it. And help me to find it. I won’t be able to find it in my future, unless I let you go as a part of my past.

You too, as I wrote in the beginning of this post, will find your happy ending. Stop saying you don’t want it. Deep in your heart, you secretly want a beautiful wedding surrounded by your loved ones, don’t you? I could see it on your eyes the last time we spoke about marriage. You will get that, someday. And from all people I know, you do have what it takes to make it happen. You only need to learn how to love yourself first, so that later on, you’ll know how to love someone better than you ever did.

I wish it didn’t have to end this way between you and me. I wish I could stay seeing you as a friend, just a friend. I couldn’t help it from happening though. And I never regret it anyway. It was beautiful falling for you. It felt right, at that time. But now… I should really get over you. You don’t want what I want, so it’s only right for me to move on. As you often heard from me; I only needed to love myself more.

Live your life to the fullest. Pursue your dreams. And again, take a good care and love yourself! Remember when I said you were your greatest enemy? Fix that first. Be fair to yourself and it’s definitely okay to celebrate your victory and be proud of it. Give yourself some credits, remember? If you ever think that you owe me something, then repay me with doing all that. The moment you’re finally proud of who you are is going to be the moment you make me proud the most. And when that happens (and I know it’s going to happen), my work is done.

Finally I only want to tell you that I love you… but you already know that too.

Have a great life! You owe me that one.

Love,

Me; who is always rooting for you

But Then Again, I Have to Love Me More

After one decade passed me by, I finally fell in love in again. I met a guy, a sweet one, who made me fall for him. I fell for his small gestures, his smile, his laughter… A few days ago, it just hit me… this feeling has gone deeper than I ever planned.

What makes him so special? Honestly, I’m not quite sure about that. I have seen his flaws, I have even seen him in his lowest point, but I just don’t care. He, his past, his problems, his insecurities… even with all that, he is still my favorite person.

One day I looked at him and I just knew… that I loved him.

But just a short while after that revelation, I also realized that he doesn’t love me the way I love him. He doesn’t have any plan for me. He doesn’t see me in his future. I’m all alone in my illusions. Or even if it’s true there is something between us, it’s only a fling to him. He doesn’t even remember all the things he used to say to me. It’s easy for him just to forget all his promises. And with all his self doubts about himself, I may have to spend a huge amount of efforts in a very long period of time just to convince him to be with me. And I don’t want that for myself.

I love him, but I have to love me more.

If he doesn’t want what I want and what I deserve to have, then no matter how much I love him, I simply have to love myself more.

Last night before I went to bed, I sighed and I whispered to myself, “Here we go… another episode of heartbreak.”

I’m tired of this. I really am. But as I heard from somewhere in some movie I watched, the only way to move on to the future is to let go of the past. And now I’m letting go.

My Wedding Speech

No, I write this not because I’m about to get married. This blog is actually a guidance for me to choose the man I’m gonna marry. If he can’t make me say all these speeches on my wedding day, then he’s not the one.

Here we go! My wedding speech.

“Being with him is everything I’ve ever read about a Mr. Right. One day I looked at him and I told myself, “I finally met the right one.”

With him, I never have to worry whether or not he would call. Because he would. No matter how busy he is, he makes times for me.

With him, I never have to wonder where we are. Because he clearly shows me what he wants. He let me know… that he wants me. He wants a future together with me.

With him, I never have to hide who I really am. He has seen the worst in me and he still loves me for who I am. He takes me with all my flaws. And he makes me feel okay not to be perfect.

He makes me feel safe because I know he will always be in my corner, he will always find a way to forgive me, and no matter how upset he is, he will still stay with me, for better or worse.

When I was a teenager, I used to tell my sister that I would only marry someone who makes me better than I was yesterday. And he does.

And then I also told a friend that I would only marry someone who makes me believe that no one out there loves me as much as he loves me. And he does that too.

Today, all those heartbreaks back in my past has finally made a perfect sense. It all happened so that I could stay single until I met him. It took me a while until I found him, but I finally did.

He’s my Mr. Right, he’s the love of my life, and I cannot ask for more.”

I Only Want to Have a Freedom to Fall in Love

Baru-baru ini gue menyadari bahwa gue sangat sering punya “hot and cold syndrome” tiap kali gue sedang suka dengan seseorang. Kadang gue hangat, peduli, penuh perhatian, tapi kadang gue terlihat dingin seolah enggak ada apa-apa di antara gue dan dia.

Awalnya gue kira, gue masalahnya. Tapi setelah gue pikir, justru mereka masalahnya. Gue ragu-ragu karena mereka juga ragu-ragu, dan itu membuat gue merasa enggak aman. Itu membuat gue takut jatuh hati lebih dalam.

I don’t want to fall for someone who is not ready to catch me down there.

Sekali saja, sekali untuk selama-lamanya, gue ingin punya kebebasan untuk jatuh cinta.

Gue enggak mau lagi menahan diri dari rasa senang tiap kali melihat dia datang menghampiri. Gue ingin menikmati tiap momen bersama dia tanpa khawatir dia cuma akan pergi lagi.

Gue ingin bebas menikmati kebaikan dan perhatian dari dia tanpa rasa khawatir dia cuma baik sebagai teman saja.

Gue ingin bebas jatuh hati, tanpa takut gue hanya bertepuk sebelah tangan.

Gue ingin yakin bahwa hanya gue satu-satunya, dan bukan hanya satu dari sekian perempuan dalam hidupnya.

Dan gue ingin bebas menaruh harapan, tanpa rasa khawatir dia hanya akan mengecewakan gue dengan ketidaksiapan dia untuk melangkah lebih lanjut bersama dengan gue.

Entah kenapa, rasa aman seperti itu tidak pernah gue dapatkan sebelumnya. Gue sangat protektif pada perasaan gue sendiri, dan segala “hot and cold syndrome” gue itu hanya bentuk proteksi gue untuk diri gue sendiri. Gue hanya ingin melindungi diri gue dari orang-orang yang hanya menjadikan gue sebagai objek coba-coba. Maunya sih gue langsung tegas saja, tapi gue juga cuma manusia biasa. Ada kalanya gue ragu, dengan naifnya berharap masih ada kesempatan untuk gue dan dia, sampai pada satu titik gue akan sadar dengan sendirinya, “I love him, but I have to love me more.”