What Makes Jakarta’s MRT So Special to Me?

It was not my first time taking MRT, but it was my first time taking Indonesian modern trains. The last memory I have in mind about Indonesian train was an economy train from Jakarta to Depok around 15 years ago. Getting back on Jakarta’s train and seeing such a beautiful train station with modern technology (exactly like what I saw in other countries) was just mind blowing to me. It might be nothing for someone else from other country, but to me, it’s a huge step forward for Indonesia!

Apart from the train itself, taking that train has made my nephew got really excited. He’s a big fan of train and he often told me how he wanted Indonesia to have the same train as he used to take in Singapore. Even my little niece and my other baby nephew were as excited as their older brother! Seeing them jumping around, running here and there, playing with the handhelds, or simply sitting by the windows and looking out to the scenery, all that has really made my day! I’m happy when they’re happy and it was one of the moments I find it’s so true when people say that happiness comes from the little things.

And one more thing. Other than my nephews and niece, my sister also took her kids’ sitter with us. And I never saw her that happy in the past 2 years since she started working for my family. She was so excited during the whole trip and she got more excited when she saw Bundaran HI for the first time! She politely asked my sister to take some pictures of her. We also then took a few pictures together and I told her, “Oh wow, now we all look like a tourist here, hehehehe.”

This MRT trip today has added one more reason for me to feel grateful of my life. I never thought that an MRT train experience could mean that big to someone else. My life has taken me to so many things that other people might have never seen, and I’m beyond thankful for that. I’m thankful of the little things as much as I’m thankful of the biggest ones. And I cannot ask for more.

Hey, You!

Yes, you. If you read this, you know who you are. And you should probably know that I’m not a good speaker when it comes to my feelings, but as you also know, I’m a damn good writer.

Did you know? Someday, once you’ve found yourself, once you have faith in yourself, you’re going to make a man every girl is dreaming of. Your girlfriend (who someday is going to be your wife even though you always said you didn’t want that kind of typical life), is going to be the luckiest girl on earth.

You will take a very good care of her, just the way you once took care of me (or probably even much better than that!). You will always be considerate of her feelings and you want nothing but the best for her.

You’re going to do great in your career (I know you don’t buy it now, but we’ll see about that in the next one decade). If you think I’m awesome at my job right now, you can actually be more than I am in the next few years. You know I’m always right and I’m sure that I’m right about this one too 😉

Little by little, you will be better and better than you were yesterday. You’ll be stronger, tougher, and yet at the same time, you will be as kind as you are right now. You’ll move on from your past, you’ll forgive your failures, and finally, you will be super proud of who you are (as proud as I am of you right now).

What goes around comes around. You’ve been doing a lot of good things in the past few years. Let those good deeds define you. Just forget and ditch the darker version of you. If it doesn’t make you any better person, then let it go. Move on. You know you’re much better than that. And if you really believe in me, you should also believe everytime I said you could still do much better than everything you already did.

You know… I don’t fall in love easily. You must be one special man until without you know it, you make me fall for you. For a while, even just a little while, I could picture a future with you on the back of my mind. It really broke my heart the moment I realized… you never saw me in yours.

But that’s okay. You know I’m already used to it. You know that I always survived every heartbreak I’ve gone through. And this time, I will be fine too. You don’t need to worry about me. It will take a while until I’m okay with all these… but until then, I’m afraid, you and I will never be the same again.

You have to believe me when I say you’re worth to love. I wish I had what it took to make you love me as much as I love you. And when someday you find a girl who has all those things I do not have, give her a chance. You have to believe that you too… deserve a happy ending. You know you want it, and I know you deserve it.

You will always be a good friend of mine. It’s just that for a little while, I need some spaces. I have to move on. You have to help me to move on. Remember when you said you were rooting for me to find someone out there? I hope you meant it. And help me to find it. I won’t be able to find it in my future, unless I let you go as a part of my past.

You too, as I wrote in the beginning of this post, will find your happy ending. Stop saying you don’t want it. Deep in your heart, you secretly want a beautiful wedding surrounded by your loved ones, don’t you? I could see it on your eyes the last time we spoke about marriage. You will get that, someday. And from all people I know, you do have what it takes to make it happen. You only need to learn how to love yourself first, so that later on, you’ll know how to love someone better than you ever did.

I wish it didn’t have to end this way between you and me. I wish I could stay seeing you as a friend, just a friend. I couldn’t help it from happening though. And I never regret it anyway. It was beautiful falling for you. It felt right, at that time. But now… I should really get over you. You don’t want what I want, so it’s only right for me to move on. As you often heard from me; I only needed to love myself more.

Live your life to the fullest. Pursue your dreams. And again, take a good care and love yourself! Remember when I said you were your greatest enemy? Fix that first. Be fair to yourself and it’s definitely okay to celebrate your victory and be proud of it. Give yourself some credits, remember? If you ever think that you owe me something, then repay me with doing all that. The moment you’re finally proud of who you are is going to be the moment you make me proud the most. And when that happens (and I know it’s going to happen), my work is done.

Finally I only want to tell you that I love you… but you already know that too.

Have a great life! You owe me that one.

Love,

Me; who is always rooting for you

But Then Again, I Have to Love Me More

After one decade passed me by, I finally fell in love in again. I met a guy, a sweet one, who made me fall for him. I fell for his small gestures, his smile, his laughter… A few days ago, it just hit me… this feeling has gone deeper than I ever planned.

What makes him so special? Honestly, I’m not quite sure about that. I have seen his flaws, I have even seen him in his lowest point, but I just don’t care. He, his past, his problems, his insecurities… even with all that, he is still my favorite person.

One day I looked at him and I just knew… that I loved him.

But just a short while after that revelation, I also realized that he doesn’t love me the way I love him. He doesn’t have any plan for me. He doesn’t see me in his future. I’m all alone in my illusions. Or even if it’s true there is something between us, it’s only a fling to him. He doesn’t even remember all the things he used to say to me. It’s easy for him just to forget all his promises. And with all his self doubts about himself, I may have to spend a huge amount of efforts in a very long period of time just to convince him to be with me. And I don’t want that for myself.

I love him, but I have to love me more.

If he doesn’t want what I want and what I deserve to have, then no matter how much I love him, I simply have to love myself more.

Last night before I went to bed, I sighed and I whispered to myself, “Here we go… another episode of heartbreak.”

I’m tired of this. I really am. But as I heard from somewhere in some movie I watched, the only way to move on to the future is to let go of the past. And now I’m letting go.

My Wedding Speech

No, I write this not because I’m about to get married. This blog is actually a guidance for me to choose the man I’m gonna marry. If he can’t make me say all these speeches on my wedding day, then he’s not the one.

Here we go! My wedding speech.

“Being with him is everything I’ve ever read about a Mr. Right. One day I looked at him and I told myself, “I finally met the right one.”

With him, I never have to worry whether or not he would call. Because he would. No matter how busy he is, he makes times for me.

With him, I never have to wonder where we are. Because he clearly shows me what he wants. He let me know… that he wants me. He wants a future together with me.

With him, I never have to hide who I really am. He has seen the worst in me and he still loves me for who I am. He takes me with all my flaws. And he makes me feel okay not to be perfect.

He makes me feel safe because I know he will always be in my corner, he will always find a way to forgive me, and no matter how upset he is, he will still stay with me, for better or worse.

When I was a teenager, I used to tell my sister that I would only marry someone who makes me better than I was yesterday. And he does.

And then I also told a friend that I would only marry someone who makes me believe that no one out there loves me as much as he loves me. And he does that too.

Today, all those heartbreaks back in my past has finally made a perfect sense. It all happened so that I could stay single until I met him. It took me a while until I found him, but I finally did.

He’s my Mr. Right, he’s the love of my life, and I cannot ask for more.”

Don’t Forget to Be Happy

When I was a teenager, there were a lot friends loved to write, “Don’t forget to be happy” in my diary book (it was some kind of a trend to write notes in each other’s diary back then). I didn’t take that phrase seriously as I thought it was just one popular sentence people loved to write at that time.

I didn’t really put attention to that phrase until I grew up and built my career. I met a lot of people who were so determined to reach their goals at work. I met a lot of people who went above and beyond to get promotions. I met a lot of people changed jobs from one company to another just to get a higher pay. I met a lot of them, but I rarely met happy people along my way.

When I just started my career 10 years ago, I told a friend of mine, “Money is not everything? Oh well, that’s a lie!”

But now… I’ve come to realize that money is not everything, indeed. My life is no longer a quest to get richer, it’s a pursuit of happiness instead. Everything is nothing unless I wake up with purpose, I get to work with excitement, I go back home with fulfillment, and I go to sleep with satisfaction.

Don’t forget to be happy, you deserve it.

Sometimes, We Only Need to Get Used to the Same Old Problems

Ada beberapa masalah beberapa tahun belakangan ini yang bikin gue ngerasa super upset. Gue udah coba ganti cara gue menghadapi masalah-masalah ini, tapi tetap saja, masalah yang sama terus berulang dan berulang lagi. Gue sampai sering bingung sendiri, “Gue salah di mana?”

Kemudian akhir-akhir ini, gue mulai menyadari sesuatu… Tiap fase kehidupan pasti punya inherent problems (masalah yang melekat) yang sifatnya sudah sangat sulit untuk dihindari. Masalah yang sama mungkin tidak pernah terjadi di waktu yang lalu, tapi perubahan dalam hidup gue inilah yang kemudian mendatangkan masalah-masalah baru yang semakin lama justru semakin mustahil untuk gue hindari.

Apa saja contohnya?

Misalnya soal orang-orang yang iri dan ingin menjatuhkan gue. Masalah ini enggak pernah terjadi saat jaman sekolah, kuliah, sampai 3 tahun pertama gue mulai bekerja. Setelah itu, kalau diingat-ingat lagi, semakin tinggi jenjang karier gue, semakin banyak pula orang yang senang mencari-cari kejelekan gue. Bahkan ya, orang yang sangat jarang berkomunikasi dengan gue, atau orang yang baru gue kenal pun bisa ikut-ikutan membicarakan gue di belakang punggung gue. Saat gue berniat baik pun, atau bahkan di saat gue berniat ingin menolong mereka; jatuhnya tetap saja salah di mata mereka.

Contoh lainnya?

Orang-orang yang cuma mendekati gue saat ada maunya. Sama dengan masalah di atas, masalah ini juga makin sering terjadi seiring berjalannya waktu. Makin ke sini, semakin sulit untuk gue membedakan orang yang benar-benar baik dengan orang yang hanya baik karena ada maunya.

Kedua masalah ini enggak pernah terjadi saat dulu gue cuma mahasiswa biasa yang mesti mati-matian mengetatkan ikat pinggang. Jarang ada orang lain ngomongin gue karena jumlah orang yang kenal sama gue juga enggak sebegitu banyaknya. Orang yang kenal sama gue pun enggak mungkin iri sama gue secara entah apa juga hal yang bisa bikin mereka iri. Enggak pernah ada juga orang yang mendekati gue untuk cari keuntungan finansial misalnya… secara gue juga waktu itu masih sering kekurangan uang (dan ya, inherent problem gue saat itu ya enggak jauh-jauh dari masalah uang jajan yang tidak pernah cukup untuk memenuhi kebutuhan gue sehari-harinya).

Kembali ke masa sekarang, pada akhirnya gue sadar bahwa gue hanya perlu terbiasa dengan masalah yang itu dan itu lagi. Gue harus berbesar hati saat ada lagi dan lagi orang di sekitar gue yang mulai menunjukan “warna aslinya”. Gue harus bisa menerima kenyataan bahwa inilah hidup gue sekarang ini. Gue harus kuat, harus sabar, karena kenyataannya; semakin tinggi pohon, semakin kencang anginnya juga.

Gue tetap harus instropeksi, tapi gue enggak boleh sampai terlalu keras pada diri gue sendiri. Gue tetap harus jadi orang yang paling cinta pada diri gue sendiri. Gue harus menghargai diri gue sendiri yang sudah jatuh-bangun sepanjang 32 tahun hidup gue, yang sudah mati-matian berusaha sekuat tenaga, hanya untuk bisa meningkatka taraf hidup dan tetap bahagia.

Semoga dengan begini, apapun yang terjadi, gue akan tetap bisa mendapatkan ketenangan batin yang sangat ingin gue dapatkan kembali. Amin for me? 😉

I’m Thankful for People Who Are Rooting for My Happy Ending

The past couple of months has been pretty ugly to me. I lost something that I thought was going to be my future, I lost some people whom I thought would always be in my corner, I got stabbed behind my back and some people worked their a** off just to take me down.

All these happened right when I was still trying to get out of my depression. The timing couldn’t be any worse than this. The more I tried to be strong and be fine with all these, the harder people tried to do everything they could to hurt my feelings. No matter how strong I am, at the end of the day, I am only a human anyway. And honestly, it hurts. It really hurts.

But then last night, I met a few friends and we had one fine dinner together. We had great laughters and great talks all night. And it was actually not the only day or night I spent with them all along. I’ve known them for a while and I just realized how blessed that I really am to have them in my life. It’s heartwarming to know that I still have people who care about my wellbeing, and what’s even better, they are rooting for my happy ending too.

And I’m not writing only about these people from last night dinner by the way. I still have some other colleagues, dearest friends, and my whole families who genuinely wish nothing but the best for me. They have no idea how their affections, even if it’s only a short text asking how am I doing, it means a lot to me. And for all of them, I’m beyond grateful.

Through this note, I’d like to thank them for supporting me every step of the way. For never get bored of hearing me whining with the same old problems. And most importantly, for deciding to stay and to take me for who I really am. You guys have really made my life way easier to live.

My life is still rough and it will probably stay as is for the rest of my life, but knowing that I’ll never be in this all alone, oh well, I feel better already.