A long time ago, I fell too deep for someone until at some point, it got me blinded. What was even worse, since the very beginning, he already bluntly told me what a horrible person he really was. He told me who he was but I refused to believe all that.
All that I saw at that time; he was kind, caring, and he made me feel special with all the little gestures he did for me. I kept convincing him how special he was, and I also told him how he could be anything he wanted. I really wanted him to have anything good that this life had to offer. I wanted him to see his values and to finally move on from his own insecurities so that he could become the very best of himself.
As time went by, I started to see his flaws but I was so blinded I failed to see the red light right in front of me. I told myself, “Oh well, nobody is perfect.”
Some people around us told me how his behavior hurt their feelings and I couldn’t seem to believe any of that. Two friends of ours shed tears in front of me, they told me how he hurt their feelings, and I froze. I didn’t say anything to console them as I truly thought that it was their own fault, not his.
I still remember the day a friend cried and said, “There’s nobody ever hurt me as deep as he did.”
I just nodded my head, kept myself in silence, and that’s that. It was hard for me to believe that he could be as vicious as that.
As if it was not bad enough, one day his own mother told me how she was concerned his son could hurt people around him and I still said to his mom that he was actually a good person and that he was loved by everyone.
I kept believing he was the one until the day he turned his back on me. When I just met him, he often told me how he didn’t think he was lovable, he had nothing to be proud of, and that he was physically not attractive. He also said that he was not confident dating a girl who was much prettier than he was. And of course, I proactively told him how wrong he was and that he could actually got any girl he wanted. But then when things between us went south, he really did what he once said was impossible. He turned his back on me to be with a very pretty girl; one of the prettiest girls I’ve ever seen. For the first time ever, he proved me that I was right; he could date any girl he wanted.
As if it was not hurting enough, he said all the hurtful things about what I did wrong, he told me that I made him hate waking up in the mornings, and he also said that I was not worth it. He even told me that he was sorry that the feelings between us were not mutual. He never cared to explain why he did all the things that made me fall for him even though he knew I desperately needed to hear that explanation from him. And it didn’t stop there. He showed off his pretty girlfriend in front of everyone he knew, including my friends. I know for a fact that he suddenly decided to bring his new girlfriend as soon as he found out that I would come to the same party. He was very eager to break my heart into pieces for a reason I never understand.
One night, I cried alone in my room and I told myself, “Nobody ever hurt me as much and as deep as he did.”
And then it hit me. I suddenly remembered that I used to hear the same confession from a friend who was also in tears, sitting right there in front of me.
That night I realized… I had created a new monster.
I helped him to go big in his life, to have faith in himself, and to believe that he could do what he wanted to become, but then he used all that power to hurt people. He hurt me, the one person whom he once said had helped him to be a better person. Only God knows how he’s capable to hurt anyone else going forward.
I barely regret anything in life, but I regret falling deep for him. I regret that I neglected the people whom he hurt. They came for my help and I turned them down. I didn’t believe how far he was capable to hurt people until he hurt me. And if you ask me, I don’t even know what I did so wrong I deserve to be treated like a trash. I never found out until at some point, I just don’t care. I finally realize that I’m just one of so many people whom he hurt and he wishes to forget. He will burry all of our memories as if it never happened in his life. He did that to so many people in his past, including his own families, and then he did that to me too.
It only took a couple months for me to move on and to get rid of my feelings for him, but it might take me forever to get rid of my guilt. What if the confidence I put in him will only make him more powerful to hurt other people? To win what he wants without caring how his actions could really break someone else’s feelings? And all his lies he used to tell me… the lies I never urged him to stop… what if he does more of that to other people?
Once the monster is born, there’s nothing you can do to stop him. There’s no way I want go back in touch with him just to rectify what I did wrong. My life is so much peaceful without his presence in it. What’s done is done, and I can only hope that he will come around by himself.
Looking at the silver lining, at least now I’ve had my lessons on how to love someone the right way. Just because I fall for him, it doesn’t make me have to justify all the wrongs he does. And most importantly: I should really know someone before I let myself fall deeper for him. Because who knows? He might seem like an angle outside, but he’s truly an evil inside.
Think straight even when you’re in love. You owe that to yourself.
A journey to remember 