A journey to remember

Archive for the ‘Blog in English’ Category

One of my colleagues told me this one interesting insight. She said, “It’s amazing how 2 people with the same condition can have 2 very different outcomes. One fails, one succeeds.”

She also gave me one good example of her two friends whose parents suddenly broke until they had to sell their houses and started from the scratch. Her first friend spent the rest of his life wondering why it happened to him, blamed the universe for being terrible to him, and pretty much did nothing to make it right. The other one decided to move on and work hard to pursue his lifelong dreams.

I can always see my colleague’s point of view in so many other events in life.

Children from a broken home have 2 options: making their past baggages as an excuse to ruin their future or using it as a strength to pursue their own happy ending.

Employees who got fired have 2 options: letting their failures become their identities or learning from their mistakes and doing better in the coming opportunities.

Lovers who got cheated also have 2 options: feeling sorry for themselves or healing the pain and trying to believe and to love again.

What about my own life?

Oh well, I’ve actually had many rejections in my life too. In romance, friendship, and even rejections at work (one thing that I’m actually very good at). Horrible bosses who tried to make me feel small just because his own failure as a leader? I’ve been there too! Being called stupid and ugly was also a part of my past. And not to mention, my childhood was definitely not an easy one. I’m far from perfect but I’m glad that everytime this life knocked me down, I always chose to get back up on my feet again. And no matter how bad other people hurt and broke my heart, I always chose to never lose my faith in humanity.

So again, in every miserable condition, you only have two options: you let it make you a loser, or you come out as the winner. The choice is yours, and only yours.

Advertisements

Many people love to see a happy ending in the movie they watch, and so do I.

Why is that?

It’s because happy ending soothes our soul. To some extent, it gives us hopes. Hopes that we can still find the light at the end of the tunnel. Hopes that things will get better. Hopes that we too, are going to get our happy ending.

Have some hopes! We are never too late nor too old for a happy ending.

Long time ago, I desired something so badly it started to scare me. The stake was high and I was unsure if it was worth all the risks and efforts needed to make it happen. So there I decided to take it for granted. I thought, that desire was only temporary and I would be just fine to live without it.

I thought I would be alright, until the day I learned that I had lost my chance. And that lost hit me hard. That was the first time I understood what it meant when people said that we didn’t really know what we once had until it was gone. It was forever gone. I had my chance and I lost it.

Years after that, regret of not doing my best still haunts me. Everytime this life takes me down to the rockbottom, I’ll look back to my past and I’ll wonder if there was anything I could have done any differently. I should have tried harder to make it happen, I should never let it go in the first place!

But of course, what’s gone is gone. There’s nothing I can do to change my past. All that I can do is just watching the life that I could have had from the sidewalk. Oftentimes I tell myself, “If only I tried harder, that could have been the life that I live in.”

If only I knew how miserable a regret could feel, I would have just fought hard to go and get if for myself. Because the truth is, if you think that giving it a try is scary, then believe me, regret will eventually scare you more. It’s so true when people says it’s better to try and fail rather than never try and always wonder. I really wish that I was that wise many years ago.

If you want something, the only thing you should do is simply doing your best, your very very best, to make it happen. Maybe you’ll fail, but maybe you’ll succeed. You’ll never know, until you’ve really tried.

Break a leg and make yourself proud!

I am introvert, but I can be extrovert when I have to.

Introvert is not comfort to be in the middle of the crowds, and neither am I. Mingle is definitely not my thing, except when it comes to work. Talking to clients and colleagues is a part of my job description, so that like it or not, I have to blend in. I can’t be just the girl who sits quietly on the corner (even back in college, I always sat on the front row just because it helped me to focus with my study back then).

Introvert is more comfortable with small circle of friends and I find it is so true to me. I feel more engaged with a smaller group of friends and I’m not interested to have more friends in my phonebook. However, that simply can’t be the case when I’m at work. Networking can be so powerful I can’t ignore it at all. Not only networking helps me to achieve my goals, but also it gives me the best opportunity I could possibly have.

Finally, as most people know, introvert is shy, and so am I. Introvert is not that kind of person who is carving to be the center of attention. With that being said, I just can’t be shy at work. I have to show others what I’m capable of even if it will tend to make me as the center of people’s attention. I know that being shy will never take me this far in my career. And it turns out that being well known is actually not that bad, not at all!

Does it mean we have to be extrovert at work? Not entirely. There are many introvert qualities that also keep me going with my career.

The first one, introvert is a good observer. When I don’t talk, I observe, I connect the dots, and I get myself an insight. It makes me good at reading people and this kind of knowledge is a powerful skill you’ve got to have at work. When you know the people you work with, you know how to deal with them so that you can work together with them to pursue the goals (in other words, your goal).

The second one, introvert is a better listener. I’m capable to patiently listen to my colleague instead of rushing to get my own turn to speak. And once again, it helps me to get to know the people I’m working with. It gives me so many useful information about them and about many other things happening in the office. Knowledge is power, and sometimes, all you’ve got to do is just to listen to others’ long talks.

The third one, introvert is usually sensitive and so am I. I can sense how others feel towards something just by looking at their gestures and facial expressions. It helps me to predict someone’s reaction to certain thing so that I can prepare the best way to deliver that information to them. Different people may require different approach, and this is where being sensible can be a huge help.

The fourth one, and this is the most important one, happiness of an introvert comes from within. I don’t lay my personal satisfaction on someone else, not even my bosses. I know myself better than anyone else in the office. That’s why I don’t need my boss’ compliment just to make me proud of my works. Not all bosses keen to let me know how satisfied they are with my works and that’s totally fine to me. Same thing when my boss has a bad day, it won’t instantly get under my skin. His problem is not necessarily my problem too. And that to me, is the beauty of being an introvert.

Unlike many researches out there, I’m a firm believer that introvert and extrovert have equal chance to succeed. Everyone can be anyone they want as long as they work hard and work smart to make it happen. Don’t let ourselves become the barrier of our career. Overcome our personality problems and start to make things happen!

Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve been trying so hard to be more courageous than I was yesterday. It’s not that I was born brave; it’s just that I push myself so hard to be bold enough even in the most difficult times.

The 8 years old me pushed myself to sleep alone in my room (I put a Qur’an right next to pillow for the first 2 weeks hoping that it would keep all the ghosts away, hehe).

The 15 years old me pushed myself to go asking how I ended with a bad score in an English test directly to the teacher (I was 100% sure that I nailed the test). I still remember how nervous I was before entering that teacher’s room. I was frozen in front of her room trying to convince myself that I would be just fine.

As a grown-up at work, I never hesitate to speak up and give feedback everytime I find it necessary (and it includes feedback for my super mean bosses). I’m not afraid of traveling abroad just by myself. And then in personal life, I didn’t hesitate to ask this question to the guy who kept me wonder where I stood, “How do you actually feel about me?”

Sleeping alone in my room taught me how to be brave. Filing complain to my teacher about my grade taught me how to fight for my rights. Giving feedback to my horrible bosses taught me how to solve a problem (gossiping behind their back will NEVER solve any of it!). And finally, asking how my crush actually felt about me taught me how to get out of my misery. All of it combined have really helped me to win my battles, get many things that I deserve, and turn a lot of my dreams to reality.

I often see many people around me doing stupid things, even in the very little things, just because of their fear. They lie, they pretend, they fake, they hide, they run away, or they simply stay quiet in the name of, “Silence is gold”. It really makes me wonder, “Is it really that hard just to be brave?”

I may have many flaws, but fearful is not one of them. And I couldn’t be more proud of it! I would be ashamed of myself if I ever let my fear got in the way. Give it a try and make yourself proud of you too!

In the past one decade, I’ve met a couple of gentlemen who treated me very well. Some of them were my dearest friends, some of them were the ones I fell in love with. Let me write this short list as an appreciation to each and everyone of them!

I love it when a man puts me before himself

I still remember a guy who gave me his only helmet to keep me safe (his other helmet was stolen that night). The same guy who cleaned the side of my dining table (a dirty one) in a Burger King restaurant.

There was also another guy who screened the food menu just to make sure there would be something I could eat (I was a picky eater), the same guy who asked for forks and spoons just for me to the waiters everytime we ate in Japanese or Chinese restaurant (I was terrible at using chopsticks).

I love it when a man takes a very good care of me

One day in Ramadhan a couple years ago, I was occupied with a conference call with my colleagues far away in China. It was fasting break time but I was too busy just to grab my own meal. Without being asked, a guy in my team brought the food for me right to my meeting room so that I could eat immediately. He was the same guy who took a plate and cutleries so that I could eat my cake on my desk (I was starving but I still had so many works to do).

There was another officemate who bought me an aspirin when I told him that my head hurt. The same guy who brought me my favorite TV shows DVD to my place when I was sick. He is my very best friend who is always around, that kind of friend who makes me hope that best friends forever is not just a myth!

I love it when a guy carefully listened every little thing I said

I once said that I didn’t like to sit in the middle of the back seat of a car and one guy remembered that very well. He gave up his window side seat for me because he said he knew that I disliked sitting in the middle. He was the same guy who bought me a movie DVD that I always wanted to watch (I only told this to him once and he remembered me when he saw that disc in a shopping mall).

Another guy found me a specific comic book that I was looking for many years ago (Detective Conan volume 13th). I didn’t mean to ask him to give me that book, but he listened how I wanted that book so badly and he brought one for me.

I love it when a man tries his own way to make me smile

I will never forget the day a guy sang me a song with his guitar. He sang the lyrics and he looked at me in between his song. Did you know what the song title was? It was, “Best I’ve Ever Had” by Vertical Horizon.

A dear friend handmade me a beautiful notebook with my name engraved to it. He put some quotes that fitted me perfectly in that book (and yes, he knew me that well!), and when he gave that book to me, he wrote a note saying that he gave that book as a celebration of our one decade friendship and he also wrote that one silly story on our first met. That gift had really made my day!

I love it when a man makes me feel like I’m the prettiest girl on earth

I once told a friend that I felt ugly without my make-up on that day, and he replied, “You actually look pretty now.”

I had a date with a guy and he never took his eyes off me. Some pretty girls passed our table but he didn’t look away. I also told him how beautiful my sister was, I showed him my sister’s picture on my phone, and he said, “I think she’s not that pretty.”

I simply love it when a guy looks me in the eyes and he smiles at me. Even without saying a word, what he does is more than enough to make me feel beautiful.

I love it everytime a man shows how well he knows how to be a gentleman

It’s the little things like carrying my heavy luggages, giving up his seats for me, driving me home in the middle of the night, or as simple as waiting until I catch my cab first. Men like this are somehow harder to find these days.

Oftentimes I think, I didn’t express enough gratitudes to the guys I mentioned in this post. You know… I’m just not good in expressing this kind of thing. My expression might look just flat despite the fact that I felt touched inside my heart! So here I write it all in this blog just to let them know how thankful I am. All the girls who end up to be with them are certainly the lucky ones 🙂

World Cup always reminds me of the worst heartbreak I have ever had. It had nothing to do with the World Cup itself, it’s just that the guy who took off was a big fan of football match and I happened to wave him goodbye in a World Cup season 8 years ago. I still remember one particular night when I couldn’t sleep thinking of him and I decided to watch a World Cup match to get myself bored hoping it could make me fall asleep. But of course it didn’t work! It made me think of him even deeper than before! That’s exactly why World Cup ends up identical to that one particular guy 😅

How bad was that heartbreak? Oh well, it was actually the reason behind this post. He took off, I felt so broken inside, I buried myself in tons of works from AM to AM, and then I got sick.

There is still this one untold story about what happened that night when I rushed myself to Medistra hospital. After the doctor letting me go, I still failed to sleep tight that night. As I wrote in that blog 8 years ago, I woke up in the middle of the night with itchy rashes all over my body. The truth is that what happened that night was actually way more than just my itchy skins.

I felt extremely weak when I woke up that night. My stomach hurt so much I wanted to find help. I walked to my bedroom door but you know what? I was too weak just to press my bedroom door! Knowing that I was the only help I had, I decided to go to the bathroom that was located in my bedroom. I lived in my aunty’s home at that time and the bathroom was a big one with vanity desk, dry toilet, bathtub, and shower all in one room. After pouring the powders all over my body, I felt weaker and weaker. I never thought pouring a handful of powders could be so exhausting!

I decided to go back to my bed but that time, I was not strong enough just to walk 3 meters away to my bed. My sight got blurry and it felt like I was about to pass out. So I stopped trying to walk back to my bed and I decided to lay down on the bathroom floor!

That night, when I laid down on that cold bathroom floors, I thought of him again and I told myself, “Enough… this torture has to stop right here right now! I have to stop torturing myself for the one that got away. I should love myself enough to let him go!”

Right after that night, I finally decided to move on with my life. I stopped hoping he would come around, I stopped trying to figure out how to make things right, and I stopped blaming myself for everything that I did wrong. The irony is that, even after all my efforts to let him go, it took me another 3 years to completely move on. It was not because I wanted to, it was merely because one day he called me and he told me he was going to get married with his new girlfriend. Somehow to me, that day was also some kind of happy ending: it was a way out ticket from my misery.

I have been very careful with my heart ever since all those episodes. I never let myself fall for someone until I know for sure what I was falling into. And then tonight, as I read a news update on 2018 World Cup, it brought back memories and I started to question myself. “Have I really moved on from this guy?”

Yes, I have no feeling remains and I’ve even stopped searching for answers on what really happened between he and I… but I’m just wondering if my decision to be very protective with myself was a right decision to make. In the past 8 years, in the process of me protecting myself, I might have hurt the ones who genuinely cared about me. I was so scared I refused to believe on a new beginning.

I wish I could end this post with a happy ending or conclusive action plan on what I shall do from now on… but that’s not the case, not this time. Relationship is always one thing I’m terrible at and I haven’t managed to find the reason why. Whatever it is, there is this one important thing I know: I don’t want to end up laying on the bathroom floor again!

And I hope, I really really hope, at some point of time, I can just watch a World Cup match as if nothing ever happened to me many years ago. That to me my friend, would be my ultimate moving on goal!


My Blog Counter

  • 1,011,909 visits since May 2011

My Blog Categories

My Blog Archives

Click here to read my tweets…

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

About Me

What my blog is all about? It's all about my life; my very own fairy tale, that I would love to share. This is my story, my ups and downs, it's a journey to remember.

Advertisements