Just Surviving Your Life is NOT Enough… You’ve Got to Thrive and Be Happy with It

What I’m about to share might sound ordinary as this kind of problem can truly happen to anyone of us. It can happen to anyone of us, but I’m afraid not everyone is aware that it’s a real problem they’ve got to fix. I hope this post can help anyone who reads this to finally realize that each and everyone of us deserves to have a better quality of life.

It all started in the last quarter of 2018. Suddenly, I got sick very often. Nausea, stomachache, random headache, and coming down with the flu over and over again. I thought, I was only tired because of the long nights I spent in the office. 

And then on my birthday last year (in the last week of November), for the first time in my adult life, I got extremely bored with my own life. It felt like I no longer had any good reason to wake up in the morning and start my days. I no longer had anything to look forward to. I started to have troubles sleeping at night  (I went to sleep between 2-4 AM almost everyday) but then I would get sleepy during the day. I barely slept tight at night and it made me wake up feeling physically tired every morning. What was even worse, I often lost my appetite and there were times I perceived eating as a liability. I thought it was only a phase that would pass anytime soon. I refused to admit that I had a problem with my own life because it didn’t feel right for me to complain after so many blessings I had in life.

Coming to 2019, tons of works (along with the pressures that came with it) and piles of personal problems made everything even worse. But still I thought everything that happened to me was not a big deal. I “only” got disappointed that some people were nice in front of me but then they bad mouthed me or made fun of me when I was not around, some people lied and broke their promises over and over again, and some people hurt and left me wondered what I did wrong. It felt beyond horrible yet I still insisted that they were all common grown-up problems so that I pushed myself to behave like an adult and just be okay with it.

I kept telling myself I was okay and everything was just fine until in the middle of this year, something very bad happened and I started to lose hopes that my life would ever get any better like it used to be. I lost my faith in other people, in my future, and it made me cry over the nights despite the fact that I’m not that kind of girl who easily cries. And then one night, after spending an hour crying alone in my room feeling mentally and physically exhausted, out of the blue, I told myself, “I’m okay if I have to die right here right now.”

Knowing that my mental condition was worsening, I pushed myself to go out of the house. At that time I always made excuses that I stayed at home because l was sick and I needed some good rest, but that day, I decided to go out to shopping mall and only 30 minutes later, I passed out in that shopping mall. My family rushed me to a hospital and I had to spend the rest of the week in that hospital. After countless of tests, I was diagnosed with two chronic illnesses in stomach, two chronic illnesses in intestines, and two mild heart problems. I took 3-6 pills of antibiotics a day for almost a month but I didn’t get much better. My condition was worsening again only one month after I was discharged from the hospital. Only God knows how tired I was coming back and forth to the hospitals at that time.

I decided to seek for second opinion and my new internist said that my former doctor already did all the right things yet somehow, my body didn’t respond the meds. He decided to appoint me to meet a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with moderate and prescribed me with anti anxiety pills for two weeks. My psychiatrist said that those anti anxiety pills would help the other meds from the internist to cure my stomachache. And you know what? I got better only less than a week. My body instantly felt lighter, my appetite significantly improved, and what’s even better, my insomnia was healed too!

Determined to continue living a healthy life without further help from anti anxiety pill, I made myself some life transformation plans.

I started to regularly workout. Yoga, zumba, and pound fit. 

I started to do all the things I always love to do again (writing, traveling, shopping).

I joined weekly event at Al Azhar mosque (their weekly event is a good food for a moslem’s soul). 

I surrounded myself only with the people who genuinely care about me.

I also met a shrink to openly talk about my problems.

And most importantly, I finally got rid of the toxic people from my inner circle.

My families, best friends, and some people at work told me that I looked much brighter, healthier, and happier now. S*** still happens, but I manage to deal with it gracefully. 

The most important lesson I learned in the past year is that it’s okay to admit that I’m not okay and that I have every right to be angry. People can’t be a jerk and hope I would still perceive them as an angel nor a saint. When I admitted that I was not okay, I started to find my way to make it better. And when I admitted that some people were toxic to me, I started to make some plans to intoxicate myself from them. I know letting go is not always easy when it comes to people we care about, but caring should be a two ways street. We can’t take care of someone who only puts our wellbeing at risk. Love yourself enough to walk away from the people who only sees the bad in you and make you feel like you’re never good enough for them.

Don’t let yourself drawn in misery. You only live once and unhappy life is NOT a normal life. Just surviving your life is actually not enough; you have to thrive and be happy despite the ups and downs in your everyday life. Heal yourself and make your life a better place for you to live in.

Be happy, no matter what. You owe it to yourself.

Hey, You! Thank You!

Hey, you! You know who you are! You are still my favorite story to tell. This time, I want to thank you!

Thanks for sharing your life with me. For letting me deep dive to your life. To let me help you. And to help me finally found my life purpose: to help others, just like the way I helped you, you said.

Thanks for being very kind down to the little things. For all the helps, the ones I asked, and the ones I never asked. Even just the thoughts have really counted to me.

Thanks for being a listener. For reading my long texts. And listening to my super speedy talks. I always love every minute I spent just to talk with you.

Thanks for all the advices you gave to me. I didn’t always instantly do what you said, but oftentimes, I eventually realized how right you were. I know how much you hate telling people what they should do; it was a big responsibility you once said. But you do give me advice anyway. And I couldn’t be more thankful of it.

Thanks for genuinely care about me. My health. My happiness. My wellbeing.

And finally, thanks for being a good friend to me. A very good one. The one who always finds his ways to forgive me, over and over. I still really hope, you will not give up on me… the way I will never ever give up on you.

I’m thankful that we crossed path… and the day we first met… would always be the day I never forget.

The Ones Who Are Hopeful of My Happy Ending

I don’t know why, but there were two colleagues in two separated occasions today happened to tell me how they were hoping for my “happy ending”.

The first one told me that he was optimistic that I was going to meet someone I had been looking for. I’d find someone who could make me want to settle down. He said that, “If there is someone who is appealing to you, I’m sure that guy is super cool!”

Later in that conversation I told him, “But that guy doesn’t even exist.”

He replied, “I’m positive. I’ll look forward to meeting him, no matter who he is.”

A few hours later, another friend told me, “I really hope not only you succeed with your career, but also in your love life. That will be your ultimate happiness in life, you know. I hope you two find your way. I’ll be happy when you are.”

It really touched me to hear all that! I often think that many people are unhappy seeing me going well with my life. Me being single is the only pleasure for these haters and it could really hurt sometimes. Knowing that I still have these two friends and a few others who are rooting for my happy ending is somewhat unexpected to me. These people are hard to find but I’m lucky enough to have some along my way. It really makes me wonder what I did so well I deserve all this!

And you know what… it brings me hopes, somehow. It makes me want to believe again that I will too, have my happy ending. Yeah I know it’s not going to be as beautiful as it might seem, but you know… having someone to share my life with, the one who loves me more than anyone else on earth, the one who takes me with all I have and all my flaws… that would be nice to have. But then if I think about it… having people who truly believe in all that feels very nice too! Not only they always have my back when others want to bring me down, they also sincerely wish a happier life for me to live in. It’s lovely, isn’t it?

This is one of the times when I find myself that even though I don’t have everything that other people might have, I also have so many things that other people might never have. And to this, I’m beyond grateful.

What Makes Jakarta’s MRT So Special to Me?

It was not my first time taking MRT, but it was my first time taking Indonesian modern trains. The last memory I have in mind about Indonesian train was an economy train from Jakarta to Depok around 15 years ago. Getting back on Jakarta’s train and seeing such a beautiful train station with modern technology (exactly like what I saw in other countries) was just mind blowing to me. It might be nothing for someone else from other country, but to me, it’s a huge step forward for Indonesia!

Apart from the train itself, taking that train has made my nephew got really excited. He’s a big fan of train and he often told me how he wanted Indonesia to have the same train as he used to take in Singapore. Even my little niece and my other baby nephew were as excited as their older brother! Seeing them jumping around, running here and there, playing with the handhelds, or simply sitting by the windows and looking out to the scenery, all that has really made my day! I’m happy when they’re happy and it was one of the moments I find it’s so true when people say that happiness comes from the little things.

And one more thing. Other than my nephews and niece, my sister also took her kids’ sitter with us. And I never saw her that happy in the past 2 years since she started working for my family. She was so excited during the whole trip and she got more excited when she saw Bundaran HI for the first time! She politely asked my sister to take some pictures of her. We also then took a few pictures together and I told her, “Oh wow, now we all look like a tourist here, hehehehe.”

This MRT trip today has added one more reason for me to feel grateful of my life. I never thought that an MRT train experience could mean that big to someone else. My life has taken me to so many things that other people might have never seen, and I’m beyond thankful for that. I’m thankful of the little things as much as I’m thankful of the biggest ones. And I cannot ask for more.

Hey, You!

Yes, you. If you read this, you know who you are. And you should probably know that I’m not a good speaker when it comes to my feelings, but as you also know, I’m a damn good writer.

Did you know? Someday, once you’ve found yourself, once you have faith in yourself, you’re going to make a man every girl is dreaming of. Your girlfriend (who someday is going to be your wife even though you always said you didn’t want to get married), is going to be the luckiest girl on earth.

You will take a very good care of her, just the way you once took care of me (or probably even much better than that!). You will always be considerate of her feelings and you want nothing but the best for her.

You’re going to do great in your career (I know you don’t buy it now, but we’ll see about that in the next one decade). If you think I’m awesome at my job right now, you can actually be more than I am in the next few years. You know I’m always right and I’m sure that I’m right about this one too 😉

Little by little, you will be better and better than you were yesterday. You’ll be stronger, tougher, and yet at the same time, you will be as kind as you are right now. You’ll move on from your past, you’ll forgive your failures, and finally, you will be super proud of who you are (as proud as I am of you right now).

What goes around comes around. You’ve been doing a lot of good things in the past few years. Let those good deeds define you. Just forget and ditch the darker version of you. If it doesn’t make you any better person, then let it go. Move on. You know you’re much better than that. And if you really believe in me, you should also believe everytime I said you could still do much better than everything you already did.

You know… I don’t fall in love easily. You must be one special man until without you know it, you make me fall for you. For a while, even just a little while, I could picture a future with you on the back of my mind. It really broke my heart the moment I realized… you never saw me in yours.

But that’s okay. You know I’m already used to it. You know that I always survived every heartbreak I’ve gone through. And this time, I will be fine too. You don’t need to worry about me. It will take a while until I’m okay with all these… but until then, I’m afraid, you and I will never be the same again.

You have to believe me when I say you’re worth to love. I wish I had what it took to make you love me as much as I love you. And when someday you find a girl who has all those things I do not have, give her a chance. You have to believe that you too… deserve a happy ending. You know you want it, and I know you deserve it.

You will always be a good friend of mine. It’s just that for a little while, I need some spaces. I have to move on. You have to help me to move on. Remember when you said you were rooting for me to find someone out there? I hope you meant it. And help me to find it. I won’t be able to find it in my future, unless I let you go as a part of my past.

You too, as I wrote in the beginning of this post, will find your happy ending. Stop saying you don’t want it. Deep in your heart, you secretly want a beautiful wedding surrounded by your loved ones, don’t you? I could see it on your eyes the last time we came to our friends’ wedding. You will get that, someday. And from all people I know, you do have what it takes to make it happen. You only need to learn how to love yourself first, so that later on, you’ll know how to love someone better than you ever did.

I wish it didn’t have to end this way between you and me. I wish I could stay seeing you as a friend, just a friend. I couldn’t help it from happening though. And I never regret it anyway. It was beautiful falling for you. It felt right, at that time. But now… I should really get over you. You don’t want what I want, so it’s only right for me to move on. As you often heard from me; I only needed to love myself more.

Live your life to the fullest. Pursue your dreams. And again, take a good care and love yourself! Remember when I said you were your greatest enemy? Fix that first. Be fair to yourself and it’s definitely okay to celebrate your victory and be proud of it. Give yourself some credits, remember? If you ever think that you owe me something, then repay me with doing all that. The moment you’re finally proud of who you are is going to be the moment you make me proud the most. And when that happens (and I know it’s going to happen), my work is done.

Finally I only want to tell you that I love you… but you already know that too.

Have a great life! You owe me that one.

Love,

Me; who is always rooting for you

But Then Again, I Have to Love Me More

After one decade passed me by, I finally fell in love in again. I met a guy, a sweet one, who made me fall for him. I fell for his small gestures, his smile, his laughter… A few days ago, it just hit me… this feeling has gone deeper than I ever planned.

What makes him so special? Honestly, I’m not quite sure about that. I have seen his flaws, I have even seen him in his lowest point, but I just don’t care. He, his past, his problems, his insecurities… even with all that, he is still my favorite person.

One day I looked at him and I just knew… that I loved him.

But just a short while after that revelation, I also realized that he doesn’t love me the way I love him. He doesn’t have any plan for me. He doesn’t see me in his future. I’m all alone in my illusions. Or even if it’s true there is something between us, it’s only a fling to him. He doesn’t even remember all the things he used to say to me. It’s easy for him just to forget all his promises. And with all his self doubts about himself, I may have to spend a huge amount of efforts in a very long period of time just to convince him to be with me. And I don’t want that for myself.

I love him, but I have to love me more.

If he doesn’t want what I want and what I deserve to have, then no matter how much I love him, I simply have to love myself more.

Last night before I went to bed, I sighed and I whispered to myself, “Here we go… another episode of heartbreak.”

I’m tired of this. I really am. But as I heard from somewhere in some movie I watched, the only way to move on to the future is to let go of the past. And now I’m letting go.

My Wedding Speech

No, I write this not because I’m about to get married. This blog is actually a guidance for me to choose the man I’m gonna marry. If he can’t make me say all these speeches on my wedding day, then he’s not the one.

Here we go! My wedding speech.

“Being with him is everything I’ve ever read about a Mr. Right. One day I looked at him and I told myself, “I finally met the right one.”

With him, I never have to worry whether or not he would call. Because he would. No matter how busy he is, he makes times for me.

With him, I never have to wonder where we are. Because he clearly shows me what he wants. He let me know… that he wants me. He wants a future together with me.

With him, I never have to hide who I really am. He has seen the worst in me and he still loves me for who I am. He takes me with all my flaws. And he makes me feel okay not to be perfect.

He makes me feel safe because I know he will always be in my corner, he will always find a way to forgive me, and no matter how upset he is, he will still stay with me, for better or worse.

When I was a teenager, I used to tell my sister that I would only marry someone who makes me better than I was yesterday. And he does.

And then I also told a friend that I would only marry someone who makes me believe that no one out there loves me as much as he loves me. And he does that too.

Today, all those heartbreaks back in my past has finally made a perfect sense. It all happened so that I could stay single until I met him. It took me a while until I found him, but I finally did.

He’s my Mr. Right, he’s the love of my life, and I cannot ask for more.”

Don’t Forget to Be Happy

When I was a teenager, there were a lot friends loved to write, “Don’t forget to be happy” in my diary book (it was some kind of a trend to write notes in each other’s diary back then). I didn’t take that phrase seriously as I thought it was just one popular sentence people loved to write at that time.

I didn’t really put attention to that phrase until I grew up and built my career. I met a lot of people who were so determined to reach their goals at work. I met a lot of people who went above and beyond to get promotions. I met a lot of people changed jobs from one company to another just to get a higher pay. I met a lot of them, but I rarely met happy people along my way.

When I just started my career 10 years ago, I told a friend of mine, “Money is not everything? Oh well, that’s a lie!”

But now… I’ve come to realize that money is not everything, indeed. My life is no longer a quest to get richer, it’s a pursuit of happiness instead. Everything is nothing unless I wake up with purpose, I get to work with excitement, I go back home with fulfillment, and I go to sleep with satisfaction.

Don’t forget to be happy, you deserve it.

I’m Thankful for People Who Are Rooting for My Happy Ending

The past couple of months has been pretty ugly to me. I lost something that I thought was going to be my future, I lost some people whom I thought would always be in my corner, I got stabbed behind my back and some people worked their a** off just to take me down.

All these happened right when I was still trying to get out of my depression. The timing couldn’t be any worse than this. The more I tried to be strong and be fine with all these, the harder people tried to do everything they could to hurt my feelings. No matter how strong I am, at the end of the day, I am only a human anyway. And honestly, it hurts. It really hurts.

But then last night, I met a few friends and we had one fine dinner together. We had great laughters and great talks all night. And it was actually not the only day or night I spent with them all along. I’ve known them for a while and I just realized how blessed that I really am to have them in my life. It’s heartwarming to know that I still have people who care about my wellbeing, and what’s even better, they are rooting for my happy ending too.

And I’m not writing only about these people from last night dinner by the way. I still have some other colleagues, dearest friends, and my whole families who genuinely wish nothing but the best for me. They have no idea how their affections, even if it’s only a short text asking how am I doing, it means a lot to me. And for all of them, I’m beyond grateful.

Through this note, I’d like to thank them for supporting me every step of the way. For never get bored of hearing me whining with the same old problems. And most importantly, for deciding to stay and to take me for who I really am. You guys have really made my life way easier to live.

My life is still rough and it will probably stay as is for the rest of my life, but knowing that I’ll never be in this all alone, oh well, I feel better already.

When Someday I Am on My Death Bed

There is this one interesting quote I got from Grey’s Anatomy.

Nobody on their death bed wishes they should have worked harder… Oh well tell that to the people who love their job!

That quote got me thinking… Will I ever regret spending a lot of times of my life to work this hard?

Honestly, I don’t think so.

Here are the things I wish I will never think of when I’m about to die someday…

  1. I should have taken all those very good (yet challenging) opportunities;
  2. I wish I worked harder to pursue what I really wanted in life;
  3. I should have told (certain) people how I used to feel about them;
  4. I wish I didn’t hurt someone’s feeling that bad. Nobody deserves to be treated that way;
  5. I should have asked for forgiveness for the great mistakes I have ever done;
  6. I wish I have travelled more. I want to see more, feel more, live more…
  7. I should have loved myself more.

From all seven things listed above, my biggest fear is definitely number 4. I have been bent and broken so that I know how terrible it can feel inside. I would really hate myself if I ever make other people feel that bad. I’ve spent years of my life trying to be better and I hope I make a good progress on it.

I also still remember that one quote that says, “We only live once, but if we do it right, once is enough.”

I hope I will have lived my life to the fullest before I die. I hope that on my death bed, I will not be haunted by all the 7 things I listed in this blog.

I only live once, but if I do it right, once is enough.