A journey to remember

Archive for the ‘Blog in English’ Category

Every relationship is oftentimes beautiful in the beginning but then it turns disappointing along the way. And here’s why.

In the beginning, you might love them for believing in you and bringing out the very best in you. You feel motivated, delighted, until someday that very same person started to feel differently. Life happened and it upset them. They were pissed, and it made you feel bad of yourself. You felt like they no longer had any faith in you. You were disappointed knowing that you might have failed the persons who believed in you.

In other case, you might fall for them for their kindness. You admired them for so many good reasons they had in them. In the beginning, they never ceased to wow you over and over. At the end of the day, they were only a human with tons of downsides. You started to realize that they were not as perfect as you thought they were. And then it hurt you; your very own expectations on them ended up disappointing yourself.

Or maybe in the beginning, you chose them because they were always there for you, for better or worse. They made you feel you were not alone. But then life got rough and they struggled to survive on their own. They were no longer available for you, they needed their times alone, and it made you feel like you were left behind. You were disappointed that you had to feel alone all over again.

And finally, most of the times, you fell for the people who completed you. They helped you, they took care of you in a way no else would. You found your comfort place until at some point, your dependance on them burdened their shoulders. They started to burn out and they seemed distant from you. They were right there with you but it just never felt the same again.

What is actually the problem here? The real problem behind our disappointment is actually the expectation that we unconsciously keep back in our mind. We expect all the good things between us and them will never change. We are not prepared to see the worst shapes of them nor to experience the bumpy road ahead of you. We overvalue and we create an illusion of one perfect person to be loved. When we fall in love, we tend to forget that they’re only one ordinary human with their own flaws, failures, and life problems. We want fairy tale despite the fact that we actually live in one harsh imperfect life.

Relationship is a lifetime effort. It will never ever be perfect, but if you choose the right person to make all those great efforts to get through all barriers in life, then at least, it’s going to be worth it.

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Notes to men; here’s what’s going to happen after you let a girl go.

She will spend some times mourning, feeling sorry for herself, and she will spend more times wondering if there is still hope, even if it’s just a little hope. She will also be wondering what she did so wrong and if there is anything she can do to make it up to you. She may be crying over you, knowing that things will just never be the same again.

But then she’ll move on. She’ll start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. She’ll eventually have a new hope of a better future, even without you in it anymore.

She will miss you, sometimes. There will be times she checks your feed just to see your face again, or just to hear your life stories through your captions and tweets. She may also reopen her old chat with you and smile alone; a bitter smile, knowing that what’s gone is gone.

Life goes on and so does she. She’ll start a new life, meet new people, get herself busy with all the things that make her want to wake up and jump off the bed every morning in her life. Until someday, sooner or later, she starts to fall in love again.

Someday, you won’t matter to her anymore. She will forget the last time she checks your feed. She will tell her friends her love stories with you and she will laugh over it. She’ll cherish her memory about you and she let it go. She keeps you and all stories about you as a part of her past, she moves forward, and she’ll never look back.

She’ll learn that what doesn’t kill her makes her stronger is true… Losing you will make her stronger than she was before. She’ll embrace the one who stays for her, and she’ll be thankful for every smile and laughter she has on her face after all the tears she shed for you.

She won’t be there waiting for you for the rest of her life. She loves herself enough to let someone who doesn’t love her enough go out of her life. She knows she deserves better, and she believes in finding her right man, someday, somewhere in her future. She may still remember you, but it will never ever be the same again.

I’m not ashamed of the fact that I occasionally visit psychologist just to consult about my everyday life. I know that I’m not the most miserable person on earth, but it doesn’t mean I don’t deserve a professional’s help on my problems.

One thing I like the most about my sessions with psychologists is that they often challenge traditional paradigms that lead me to think outside the box. Here are my most favorite quotes I got from my psychologists:

  1. “You have to know the reason why you fall for him, otherwise, you won’t have any good reasons to hold on when life gets rough between you two.” I find it’s so true in so many ways! This advice fits better in reality rather than “I love him for no reason” as we often heard from a fairytale. It’s always good to do some reality check and ask ourselves, “Is it worth fighting for?”
  2. “Dating at this age is no longer about getting through the thick and thin together. Every individual should be responsible for their own problem instead of dragging the other one into their personal problem.” I know it might not sound ideal, but again, it’s always good to do a reality check! It’s not a healthy relationship if you have to fix your loved one’s problems over and over again. Both people in a relationship should have a strong will to change and help themselves; and
  3. “Negative thoughts towards anything new after an incident is actually a good thing. It means you learn something from your past mistake and you choose to be more careful to prevent the same thing from happening again. Give yourself some times to heal and it will eventually fade away.” It was such a relief for me to hear that!

I’ve come to learn that what we often heard among the society is not always the perfect fit. We’re only human and angelic advice is not always working well due our imperfections as a human. This is a real life after all, not a fairytale! Try to get real and feel the different!

I can’t stay forever mad with the people I used to care about. It can take a year, or maybe, it can take a decade, but I will eventually forgive them for what went wrong back in the past. Be it in personal or work relationship, no matter how bad it was, somehow I always found my way to have them back in my life. It might not be as close as we once were, but at least, they are not my forever enemy.

Why would I want to do that? Because they used to mean a lot to me and whatever they did wrong could never change the good memories that we used to have.

For starter, at some point, I always manage to be friends with my ex crush. Yes, they broke my heart, but in most cases, I used to broke their hearts too. It’s actually my loss if I decided to get rid of the beautiful memories I used to share with them. I would never forget the way they made me smile, the butterflies in my belly, and all the little things they did to comfort me, and most importantly, to make me feel loved. Once I fall in love with somebody, they will be forever mean something to me. I may never feel the same way again, but they will never be a stranger and I will always have a tiny place for them inside my heart. Once in my lifetime, they were my fairy tale, and they will always be my favorite stories to tell to my grandkids.

I will also stop hating the bosses who made me want to leave the companies I used to work at (I’m not saying I hate all my former bosses though). Back to the times I worked with them, each and everyone of them had contribution to my career development. They challenged me, they gave me opportunities I was unsure if I was capable of, and of course, they rewarded me even more than I thought I deserved sometimes. I am not who I am without my former bosses, and I’m thankful for that.

And finally, sooner or later, I will forgive ex best friends who betrayed me. I used to hope I could grow old with them, as people always say; best friends forever. Seeing my hopes were torn apart couldn’t be more heartbreaking to me. I’m already used to have envy people trying to ruin my happiness, but I never expect to watch my best friends doing the same thing to me. But still, there were some reasons why I called them my best friends. They helped me in the lowest points of my life, they woke up in the middle of the nights just to hear about my bad days, they were once the people I chose to be my family.

I’ve come to learn that my Mr. Wrongs were actually learning to become a Mr. Right (even if it’s most likely for someone else but me). They had to make those mistakes so that they knew what they should do to become a better man.

My horrible bosses were not pure evils or whatsoever. The crazy pressures they had were just beyond their capacities as human back then. If they are good enough, someday they’ll come around and they’ll eventually learn how to become a better leader for their teams.

Finally my former best friends… from all people in this world, I know better how kind and how good they actually could become. Hard times in life changed them, yet whatever their pain and struggle was, I sincerely hope they will soon find a light at the end of the tunnel. And if they will ever find themselves guilty, more important than my forgiveness to them is actually their forgiveness to themselves. That way, they will learn how to stay kind even when this life gets rough.

Again, this total forgiveness may take ages for me to get there. It’s not the forgiveness itself that is hard to be done; it’s to forget the way they once made me feel. Not to mention how hard it is to heal a broken trust. It’s definitely not easy, but doable.

Everyone makes mistakes, and so do I. And at the same time, everyone needs time to heal, and so do I.

Many years ago, I had a colleague and also a good friend who was well known for her kindness. She was very generous, friendly, compassionate, and cheerful. It was all the reasons why I was so comfort to be close to her.

And then someday, we had a big problem at work. She did a terrible mistake that could jeopardize her career. I had no heart to let her down, not after all the hard works she had put into. Not to mention that my team’s mistake was my mistake too. So there I took the bullet. I was very sure that I would be able to handle it way better than her. She would be devastated if she had to pay for her mistakes herself, she wouldn’t be able to cope with it.

I was right that I would be just fine. It was hurtful to me too, but I was fine. But then just a little while after that, somebody came to my desk and brought up that old issue to me and my colleague I protected. As usual, my colleague became pale everytime somebody questioned that one problem she created. I could see a strong fear on her face. So there I fought for her, again, until that other person gave up and walked away.

After that other person left the room, this girl I was fighting for surprisingly told me this, “If I were him (that other person who just left the room), I would also do the same.” She said it as if it was my fault to stand up for her! What was even worse, she started to try so hard to make friends with the people who attacked me for her mistakes. Maybe, she was just trying to be nice like she always did, but really? Didn’t she realize what she did only made me look like I was the bad guy?

As she left me to take care of the mess she made all by myself, I finally realized this girl might be kind, but she was not loyal to anyone. She always wanted to play safe, she would never take anyone’s side no matter how much she owed them, and now if I think about it again, her kindness was actually a shield to protect her interest. She tried so hard to be likeable so that she would always be protected.

Learning from my past experience with this one former friend, I started to be able to recognize similar traits on the people around me.

In the beginning, they look like a pure angel. They are kind, always help others, always see the very best of everyone, and they barely speak anything ugly about anyone else. They always try to look for the bright side of everything and sometimes, it can make us feel like they take side of the strangers rather than our side. With that being said, their kindness will make us choose to ignore that feeling thinking that maybe, they only try to help us to see everything positively.

They look perfect, until this life starts to get rough and they start to reveal their true colors.

This kind of person will never fight back. Never ever hope they will try to protect you because they won’t ever risk themselves for someone else. Instead, they will hide behind someone else’s back looking for protection. And then they will just stay quiet and watch the battle from their safe place until it ends.

They are kind, but not kind enough to stand up for us. Not helpful enough to support us when we need it most. It’s all merely because they refuse to fight their very own fear. They know they can help, but they prefer to stand still or even to run away. And they do not hesitate to make friends with enemies just to protect themselves. They do not hesitate to leave us bleed alone in the battlefield either.

It takes times to learn someone else’s true color. I might sound cynical, but it’s now hard for me to trust someone who seems too kind to be true. Someone who is averagely kind is often better than someone who seems overly kind. I’d rather be careful with the people who try too hard to please me in our first met. Maybe, they only need to use me as their shield. A shield they will leave behind anytime I’m no longer favorable to them.

Being kind is not about giving out some delicious snacks for everyone, telling good jokes to make people laugh, nor about asking how someone else’s weekend was going; it’s about doing the right things even when it’s no longer easy to do it right. And a good person will definitely take sides and give a full support anytime it’s necessary. A real good person doesn’t run and hide to play safe, let alone betraying the one who takes the hit for them.

I’ve come to learn that a real angel doesn’t always look like an angel. They might not always put a pretty smile on their faces, they don’t always try to please everyone they meet, and they don’t always do the sweet talk and baby nearly everyone they know. As always being said, don’t judge a book by its cover, you’ll never know how your judgment could do you wrong.

Did you know? Real love is tough. It’s not always pretty. It even looks ugly, sometimes. It doesn’t always please you, it doesn’t always make you feel completely happy, it’s a bumpy road, it’s definitely not as easy as a fairy tale.

Someone who loves you, cares about you, will tell you the truth. An ugly truth, perhaps. It’s not because they don’t love you anymore, it’s just because they want what’s best for you and your life. And when they truly care about you, they tell that truth right in front of you. They won’t backstab you, they will always be bold enough to be honest with you.

Someone who cares about you will not make everything always easy for you. They want you to earn it. They don’t want to spoil you the whole times because they don’t want you to be irresponsible with your own life. They want you to grow up as a person inside.

Someone who sincerely loves you will never give up on you. They will do everything in their power to keep you in their life, and it includes all the fights that have made you feel uncomfortable with the relationship itself. If they just let it fall apart, it simply means they just don’t want to waste their precious times on you.

This theory is one theory that I believe is always right. Be it romantic relationship, friendship, and families. If they care about you, they will take a risk to tell you the truth, and they will take an extra miles just to help you to become a better person than you were yesterday.

Again I tell you here, if your lover never pisses you off, most likely, you haven’t dated them long enough. If your friends only tell all the right things that make you happy, you guys aren’t close enough. And if your parents have stopped lecturing you, then most likely, they have finally given up on you.

Believe me, real love is tough. Nobody is perfect and neither are you, and the people who love you the most are the people who will tell you your imperfections a lot more often than everyone else. If you keep hating them for telling you the truth, you are preventing yourself from being loved. What’s even worse, you’re preventing yourself from being a lovable person who gets better from times to times.

Find someone who is bold enough, who cares enough, to tell you the truth and to fight for that truth, for you.

Last week, I posted an Instagram ad for 7 days period. It was the sixth ad I posted on Instagram and it was the first one got rejected. It was really confusing to me. That ad had been previously approved and I received many clicks for 2 or 3 days until it was suddenly disapproved. The content in that rejected ad was pretty much the same with 5 others prior ads I posted; the major difference was the targeted audience (it was the first time I aimed Instagram users outside Indonesia).

There was a note on my Instagram apps saying that my ad was not approved because the destination URL was not viewable or functioning properly.

There I wondered what they referred as “destination URL”. When I created my ads (six of them), the destinations were always my Instagram business profile. If they said the destination URL was not functioning properly, didn’t it mean they had a problem with their own web?

I decided to click “appeal” button and I told them my confusion as my ad was actually linked to Instagram profile and not to any other website. I also asked them when they stopped my ad and how much I would pay for that rejected ad.

Six hours later, I received a reply from Facebook team. Initially I thought, “Wow, given their huge size, their response is very fast!”

But did you know what their answer was? They were simply repeating the rejection reason that I already read 6 hours earlier in their rejection note! It was a total copy-paste from A to Z. At the end, they added one sentence saying that I should edit my URL and that’s that! They didn’t even answer my question on when they stopped it and the amount they would charge to my account. It was fast, but not helpful at all.

I sent another reply telling them that they didn’t answer any single question I asked. Then I rephrased my question to make myself clear, “Which destination URL that you referred to?” I also repeated my question about my ad period and fee. I even asked them to read my questions and answer them accordingly.

Did you know what happen after that? They sent me another robotic answer! None of my question was answered (again!).

I was really upset at that point. Their customer service’s replies were even more disappointing than the rejected ad itself. Maybe I did something wrong with my sixth ad, but how could I learn from my mistake if I didn’t even know what I did wrong? It’s their job to tell me which part was actually going wrong! I know they are busy with many other inquiries, but it shouldn’t be an excuse notably because this ad I posted was not free.

I finally realized what I did wrong with my sixth ad after three times of trial-error (I edited, posted, got rejected, edited again until it was finally approved) but it doesn’t change my opinion on Facebook team’s performance. Was that really what they wanted? Asking the customers to go figuring out by themselves? The way I see it, if I gave them 3 questions, then they are liable to also give me 3 real answers that I need.

After I managed to fix my ad, this Facebook team’s behavior reminded me of myself. I received hundreds of registration e-mails in a week and I had prepared dozens of templates to reply the applicants depends on their e-mail contents. I began to worry that I also did what Facebook team did: answering people’s questions using a fixed template!

I rushed to my sent items folder and I checked every single e-mail I’ve ever sent to make sure that I have answered any question addressed to me in users’ applications. I was so relieved knowing that I always completed my standardized answers with additional answers to my customers’ additional questions!

At the end of the day, this ad problem with Instagram has been my first lesson on customer service department in my own start-up: it’s not only about how fast you can reply and close the ticket, but also how helpful your replies to the customers are.


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About Me

What my blog is all about? It's all about my life; my very own fairy tale, that I would love to share. This is my story, my ups and downs, it's a journey to remember.

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