When Love Goes Blind, It Can Create a New Monster

A long time ago, I fell too deep for someone until at some point, it got me blinded. What was even worse, since the very beginning, he already bluntly told me what a horrible person he really was. He told me who he was but I refused to believe all that.

All that I saw at that time; he was kind, caring, and he made me feel special with all the little gestures he did for me. I kept convincing him how special he was, and I also told him how he could be anything he wanted. I really wanted him to have anything good that this life had to offer. I wanted him to see his values and to finally move on from his own insecurities so that he could become the very best of himself.

As time went by, I started to see his flaws but I was so blinded I failed to see the red light right in front of me. I told myself, “Oh well, nobody is perfect.”

Some people around us told me how his behavior hurt their feelings and I couldn’t seem to believe any of that. Two friends of ours shed tears in front of me, they told me how he hurt their feelings, and I froze. I didn’t say anything to console them as I truly thought that it was their own fault, not his.

I still remember the day a friend cried and said, “There’s nobody ever hurt me as deep as he did.”

I just nodded my head, kept myself in silence, and that’s that. It was hard for me to believe that he could be as vicious as that.

As if it was not bad enough, one day his own mother told me how she was concerned his son could hurt people around him and I still said to his mom that he was actually a good person and that he was loved by everyone.

I kept believing he was the one until the day he turned his back on me. When I just met him, he often told me how he didn’t think he was lovable, he had nothing to be proud of, and that he was physically not attractive. He also said that he was not confident dating a girl who was much prettier than he was. And of course, I proactively told him how wrong he was and that he could actually got any girl he wanted. But then when things between us went south, he really did what he once said was impossible. He turned his back on me to be with a very pretty girl; one of the prettiest girls I’ve ever seen. For the first time ever, he proved me that I was right; he could date any girl he wanted.

As if it was not hurting enough, he said all the hurtful things about what I did wrong, he told me that I made him hate waking up in the mornings, and he also said that I was not worth it. He even told me that he was sorry that the feelings between us were not mutual. He never cared to explain why he did all the things that made me fall for him even though he knew I desperately needed to hear that explanation from him. And it didn’t stop there. He showed off his pretty girlfriend in front of everyone he knew, including my friends. I know for a fact that he suddenly decided to bring his new girlfriend as soon as he found out that I would come to the same party. He was very eager to break my heart into pieces for a reason I never understand.

One night, I cried alone in my room and I told myself, “Nobody ever hurt me as much and as deep as he did.”

And then it hit me. I suddenly remembered that I used to hear the same confession from a friend who was also in tears, sitting right there in front of me.

That night I realized… I had created a new monster.

I helped him to go big in his life, to have faith in himself, and to believe that he could do what he wanted to become, but then he used all that power to hurt people. He hurt me, the one person whom he once said had helped him to be a better person. Only God knows how he’s capable to hurt anyone else going forward.

I barely regret anything in life, but I regret falling deep for him. I regret that I neglected the people whom he hurt. They came for my help and I turned them down. I didn’t believe how far he was capable to hurt people until he hurt me. And if you ask me, I don’t even know what I did so wrong I deserve to be treated like a trash. I never found out until at some point, I just don’t care. I finally realize that I’m just one of so many people whom he hurt and he wishes to forget. He will burry all of our memories as if it never happened in his life. He did that to so many people in his past, including his own families, and then he did that to me too.

It only took a couple months for me to move on and to get rid of my feelings for him, but it might take me forever to get rid of my guilt. What if the confidence I put in him will only make him more powerful to hurt other people? To win what he wants without caring how his actions could really break someone else’s feelings? And all his lies he used to tell me… the lies I never urged him to stop… what if he does more of that to other people?

Once the monster is born, there’s nothing you can do to stop him. There’s no way I want go back in touch with him just to rectify what I did wrong. My life is so much peaceful without his presence in it. What’s done is done, and I can only hope that he will come around by himself.

Looking at the silver lining, at least now I’ve had my lessons on how to love someone the right way. Just because I fall for him, it doesn’t make me have to justify all the wrongs he does. And most importantly: I should really know someone before I let myself fall deeper for him. Because who knows? He might seem like an angle outside, but he’s truly an evil inside.

Think straight even when you’re in love. You owe that to yourself.

Just Surviving Your Life is NOT Enough… You’ve Got to Thrive and Be Happy with It

What I’m about to share might sound ordinary as this kind of problem can truly happen to anyone of us. It can happen to anyone of us, but I’m afraid not everyone is aware that it’s a real problem they’ve got to fix. I hope this post can help anyone who reads this to finally realize that each and everyone of us deserves to have a better quality of life.

It all started in the last quarter of 2018. Suddenly, I got sick very often. Nausea, stomachache, random headache, and coming down with the flu over and over again. I thought, I was only tired because of the long nights I spent in the office. 

And then on my birthday last year (in the last week of November), for the first time in my adult life, I got extremely bored with my own life. It felt like I no longer had any good reason to wake up in the morning and start my days. I no longer had anything to look forward to. I started to have troubles sleeping at night  (I went to sleep between 2-4 AM almost everyday) but then I would get sleepy during the day. I barely slept tight at night and it made me wake up feeling physically tired every morning. What was even worse, I often lost my appetite and there were times I perceived eating as a liability. I thought it was only a phase that would pass anytime soon. I refused to admit that I had a problem with my own life because it didn’t feel right for me to complain after so many blessings I had in life.

Coming to 2019, tons of works (along with the pressures that came with it) and piles of personal problems made everything even worse. But still I thought everything that happened to me was not a big deal. I “only” got disappointed that some people were nice in front of me but then they bad mouthed me or made fun of me when I was not around, some people lied and broke their promises over and over again, and some people hurt and left me wondered what I did wrong. It felt beyond horrible yet I still insisted that they were all common grown-up problems so that I pushed myself to behave like an adult and just be okay with it.

I kept telling myself I was okay and everything was just fine until in the middle of this year, something very bad happened and I started to lose hopes that my life would ever get any better like it used to be. I lost my faith in other people, in my future, and it made me cry over the nights despite the fact that I’m not that kind of girl who easily cries. And then one night, after spending an hour crying alone in my room feeling mentally and physically exhausted, out of the blue, I told myself, “I’m okay if I have to die right here right now.”

Knowing that my mental condition was worsening, I pushed myself to go out of the house. At that time I always made excuses that I stayed at home because l was sick and I needed some good rest, but that day, I decided to go out to shopping mall and only 30 minutes later, I passed out in that shopping mall. My family rushed me to a hospital and I had to spend the rest of the week in that hospital. After countless of tests, I was diagnosed with two chronic illnesses in stomach, two chronic illnesses in intestines, and two mild heart problems. I took 3-6 pills of antibiotics a day for almost a month but I didn’t get much better. My condition was worsening again only one month after I was discharged from the hospital. Only God knows how tired I was coming back and forth to the hospitals at that time.

I decided to seek for second opinion and my new internist said that my former doctor already did all the right things yet somehow, my body didn’t respond the meds. He decided to appoint me to meet a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with moderate and prescribed me with anti anxiety pills for two weeks. My psychiatrist said that those anti anxiety pills would help the other meds from the internist to cure my stomachache. And you know what? I got better only less than a week. My body instantly felt lighter, my appetite significantly improved, and what’s even better, my insomnia was healed too!

Determined to continue living a healthy life without further help from anti anxiety pill, I made myself some life transformation plans.

I started to regularly workout. Yoga, zumba, and pound fit. 

I started to do all the things I always love to do again (writing, traveling, shopping).

I joined weekly event at Al Azhar mosque (their weekly event is a good food for a moslem’s soul). 

I surrounded myself only with the people who genuinely care about me.

I also met a shrink to openly talk about my problems.

And most importantly, I finally got rid of the toxic people from my inner circle.

My families, best friends, and some people at work told me that I looked much brighter, healthier, and happier now. S*** still happens, but I manage to deal with it gracefully. 

The most important lesson I learned in the past year is that it’s okay to admit that I’m not okay and that I have every right to be angry. People can’t be a jerk and hope I would still perceive them as an angel nor a saint. When I admitted that I was not okay, I started to find my way to make it better. And when I admitted that some people were toxic to me, I started to make some plans to intoxicate myself from them. I know letting go is not always easy when it comes to people we care about, but caring should be a two ways street. We can’t take care of someone who only puts our wellbeing at risk. Love yourself enough to walk away from the people who only sees the bad in you and make you feel like you’re never good enough for them.

Don’t let yourself drawn in misery. You only live once and unhappy life is NOT a normal life. Just surviving your life is actually not enough; you have to thrive and be happy despite the ups and downs in your everyday life. Heal yourself and make your life a better place for you to live in.

Be happy, no matter what. You owe it to yourself.

The Ones Who Are Hopeful of My Happy Ending

I don’t know why, but there were two colleagues in two separated occasions today happened to tell me how they were hoping for my “happy ending”.

The first one told me that he was optimistic that I was going to meet someone I had been looking for. I’d find someone who could make me want to settle down. He said that, “If there is someone who is appealing to you, I’m sure that guy is super cool!”

Later in that conversation I told him, “But that guy doesn’t even exist.”

He replied, “I’m positive. I’ll look forward to meeting him, no matter who he is.”

A few hours later, another friend told me, “I really hope not only you succeed with your career, but also in your love life. That will be your ultimate happiness in life, you know. I hope you two find your way. I’ll be happy when you are.”

It really touched me to hear all that! I often think that many people are unhappy seeing me going well with my life. Me being single is the only pleasure for these haters and it could really hurt sometimes. Knowing that I still have these two friends and a few others who are rooting for my happy ending is somewhat unexpected to me. These people are hard to find but I’m lucky enough to have some along my way. It really makes me wonder what I did so well I deserve all this!

And you know what… it brings me hopes, somehow. It makes me want to believe again that I will too, have my happy ending. Yeah I know it’s not going to be as beautiful as it might seem, but you know… having someone to share my life with, the one who loves me more than anyone else on earth, the one who takes me with all I have and all my flaws… that would be nice to have. But then if I think about it… having people who truly believe in all that feels very nice too! Not only they always have my back when others want to bring me down, they also sincerely wish a happier life for me to live in. It’s lovely, isn’t it?

This is one of the times when I find myself that even though I don’t have everything that other people might have, I also have so many things that other people might never have. And to this, I’m beyond grateful.

What Makes Jakarta’s MRT So Special to Me?

It was not my first time taking MRT, but it was my first time taking Indonesian modern trains. The last memory I have in mind about Indonesian train was an economy train from Jakarta to Depok around 15 years ago. Getting back on Jakarta’s train and seeing such a beautiful train station with modern technology (exactly like what I saw in other countries) was just mind blowing to me. It might be nothing for someone else from other country, but to me, it’s a huge step forward for Indonesia!

Apart from the train itself, taking that train has made my nephew got really excited. He’s a big fan of train and he often told me how he wanted Indonesia to have the same train as he used to take in Singapore. Even my little niece and my other baby nephew were as excited as their older brother! Seeing them jumping around, running here and there, playing with the handhelds, or simply sitting by the windows and looking out to the scenery, all that has really made my day! I’m happy when they’re happy and it was one of the moments I find it’s so true when people say that happiness comes from the little things.

And one more thing. Other than my nephews and niece, my sister also took her kids’ sitter with us. And I never saw her that happy in the past 2 years since she started working for my family. She was so excited during the whole trip and she got more excited when she saw Bundaran HI for the first time! She politely asked my sister to take some pictures of her. We also then took a few pictures together and I told her, “Oh wow, now we all look like a tourist here, hehehehe.”

This MRT trip today has added one more reason for me to feel grateful of my life. I never thought that an MRT train experience could mean that big to someone else. My life has taken me to so many things that other people might have never seen, and I’m beyond thankful for that. I’m thankful of the little things as much as I’m thankful of the biggest ones. And I cannot ask for more.

But Then Again, I Have to Love Me More

After one decade passed me by, I finally fell in love in again. I met a guy, a sweet one, who made me fall for him. I fell for his small gestures, his smile, his laughter… A few days ago, it just hit me… this feeling has gone deeper than I ever planned.

What makes him so special? Honestly, I’m not quite sure about that. I have seen his flaws, I have even seen him in his lowest point, but I just don’t care. He, his past, his problems, his insecurities… even with all that, he is still my favorite person.

One day I looked at him and I just knew… that I loved him.

But just a short while after that revelation, I also realized that he doesn’t love me the way I love him. He doesn’t have any plan for me. He doesn’t see me in his future. I’m all alone in my illusions. Or even if it’s true there is something between us, it’s only a fling to him. He doesn’t even remember all the things he used to say to me. It’s easy for him just to forget all his promises. And with all his self doubts about himself, I may have to spend a huge amount of efforts in a very long period of time just to convince him to be with me. And I don’t want that for myself.

I love him, but I have to love me more.

If he doesn’t want what I want and what I deserve to have, then no matter how much I love him, I simply have to love myself more.

Last night before I went to bed, I sighed and I whispered to myself, “Here we go… another episode of heartbreak.”

I’m tired of this. I really am. But as I heard from somewhere in some movie I watched, the only way to move on to the future is to let go of the past. And now I’m letting go.

My Wedding Speech

No, I write this not because I’m about to get married. This blog is actually a guidance for me to choose the man I’m gonna marry. If he can’t make me say all these speeches on my wedding day, then he’s not the one.

Here we go! My wedding speech.

“Being with him is everything I’ve ever read about a Mr. Right. One day I looked at him and I told myself, “I finally met the right one.”

With him, I never have to worry whether or not he would call. Because he would. No matter how busy he is, he makes times for me.

With him, I never have to wonder where we are. Because he clearly shows me what he wants. He let me know… that he wants me. He wants a future together with me.

With him, I never have to hide who I really am. He has seen the worst in me and he still loves me for who I am. He takes me with all my flaws. And he makes me feel okay not to be perfect.

He makes me feel safe because I know he will always be in my corner, he will always find a way to forgive me, and no matter how upset he is, he will still stay with me, for better or worse.

When I was a teenager, I used to tell my sister that I would only marry someone who makes me better than I was yesterday. And he does.

And then I also told a friend that I would only marry someone who makes me believe that no one out there loves me as much as he loves me. And he does that too.

Today, all those heartbreaks back in my past has finally made a perfect sense. It all happened so that I could stay single until I met him. It took me a while until I found him, but I finally did.

He’s my Mr. Right, he’s the love of my life, and I cannot ask for more.”

Don’t Forget to Be Happy

When I was a teenager, there were a lot friends loved to write, “Don’t forget to be happy” in my diary book (it was some kind of a trend to write notes in each other’s diary back then). I didn’t take that phrase seriously as I thought it was just one popular sentence people loved to write at that time.

I didn’t really put attention to that phrase until I grew up and built my career. I met a lot of people who were so determined to reach their goals at work. I met a lot of people who went above and beyond to get promotions. I met a lot of people changed jobs from one company to another just to get a higher pay. I met a lot of them, but I rarely met happy people along my way.

When I just started my career 10 years ago, I told a friend of mine, “Money is not everything? Oh well, that’s a lie!”

But now… I’ve come to realize that money is not everything, indeed. My life is no longer a quest to get richer, it’s a pursuit of happiness instead. Everything is nothing unless I wake up with purpose, I get to work with excitement, I go back home with fulfillment, and I go to sleep with satisfaction.

Don’t forget to be happy, you deserve it.

I’m Thankful for People Who Are Rooting for My Happy Ending

The past couple of months has been pretty ugly to me. I lost something that I thought was going to be my future, I lost some people whom I thought would always be in my corner, I got stabbed behind my back and some people worked their a** off just to take me down.

All these happened right when I was still trying to get out of my depression. The timing couldn’t be any worse than this. The more I tried to be strong and be fine with all these, the harder people tried to do everything they could to hurt my feelings. No matter how strong I am, at the end of the day, I am only a human anyway. And honestly, it hurts. It really hurts.

But then last night, I met a few friends and we had one fine dinner together. We had great laughters and great talks all night. And it was actually not the only day or night I spent with them all along. I’ve known them for a while and I just realized how blessed that I really am to have them in my life. It’s heartwarming to know that I still have people who care about my wellbeing, and what’s even better, they are rooting for my happy ending too.

And I’m not writing only about these people from last night dinner by the way. I still have some other colleagues, dearest friends, and my whole families who genuinely wish nothing but the best for me. They have no idea how their affections, even if it’s only a short text asking how am I doing, it means a lot to me. And for all of them, I’m beyond grateful.

Through this note, I’d like to thank them for supporting me every step of the way. For never get bored of hearing me whining with the same old problems. And most importantly, for deciding to stay and to take me for who I really am. You guys have really made my life way easier to live.

My life is still rough and it will probably stay as is for the rest of my life, but knowing that I’ll never be in this all alone, oh well, I feel better already.

When Someday I Am on My Death Bed

There is this one interesting quote I got from Grey’s Anatomy.

Nobody on their death bed wishes they should have worked harder… Oh well tell that to the people who love their job!

That quote got me thinking… Will I ever regret spending a lot of times of my life to work this hard?

Honestly, I don’t think so.

Here are the things I wish I will never think of when I’m about to die someday…

  1. I should have taken all those very good (yet challenging) opportunities;
  2. I wish I worked harder to pursue what I really wanted in life;
  3. I should have told (certain) people how I used to feel about them;
  4. I wish I didn’t hurt someone’s feeling that bad. Nobody deserves to be treated that way;
  5. I should have asked for forgiveness for the great mistakes I have ever done;
  6. I wish I have travelled more. I want to see more, feel more, live more…
  7. I should have loved myself more.

From all seven things listed above, my biggest fear is definitely number 4. I have been bent and broken so that I know how terrible it can feel inside. I would really hate myself if I ever make other people feel that bad. I’ve spent years of my life trying to be better and I hope I make a good progress on it.

I also still remember that one quote that says, “We only live once, but if we do it right, once is enough.”

I hope I will have lived my life to the fullest before I die. I hope that on my death bed, I will not be haunted by all the 7 things I listed in this blog.

I only live once, but if I do it right, once is enough.

The Things I Had in Mind When I Woke Up This Morning

I woke up and I thought, “Grilled cheese sandwich would be nice.” But then I fell asleep again.

I woke up again, hugged my bolster in my arms, and I asked myself, “Am I still falling for him? Do I still want him? He doesn’t seem to do anything about me anyway. He has too many girls in his life. And that’s annoying.”

And… I fell asleep again, and when I woke up again, “Having someone on Valentine’s day will be nice though.”

Getting upset not knowing what I really wanted, I went back to sleep and when I finally woke up at 11 AM, “Whatever it is, I want grilled cheese sandwiches.”

So there I grabbed my phone and ordered myself a delicious grilled cheese sandwiches from a restaurant nearby.

Happy Saturday, everyone!