The Things I Had in Mind When I Woke Up This Morning

I woke up and I thought, “Grilled cheese sandwich would be nice.” But then I fell asleep again.

I woke up again, hugged my bolster in my arms, and I asked myself, “Am I still falling for him? Do I still want him? He doesn’t seem to do anything about me anyway. He has too many girls in his life. And that’s annoying.”

And… I fell asleep again, and when I woke up again, “Having someone on Valentine’s day will be nice though.”

Getting upset not knowing what I really wanted, I went back to sleep and when I finally woke up at 11 AM, “Whatever it is, I want grilled cheese sandwiches.”

So there I grabbed my phone and ordered myself a delicious grilled cheese sandwiches from a restaurant nearby.

Happy Saturday, everyone!

10 Years Challenge

The hype of 10 years challenge on Instagram is exciting and fun! I love to see how different my new friends in 10 years back and to remember how my old friends used to look like back then. It’s also as exciting to see the old pictures of mine (thanks to Facebook for this!). And it’s only exciting to watch the 10 years younger version of me because I think, now I look a lot more attractive compared with myself 10 years ago 😆

Here’s a picture of me now and then!

What are the differences? Oh, a lot of it!

  1. I no longer use braces on my teeth! Thank God!
  2. My cheeks are less chubby now (those braces have done their magic, hehe);
  3. Brighter skin tone, I guess? The skin care I use now is just the best! It works well on my skin;
  4. Make-up on my face. I only could afford a cheap compact powder so that the powder was the only make-up I put on my face 10 years ago;
  5. Not only make-up, I’m also a fashion lover now. I feel good when I look good, hehehehe;
  6. Contact lens is on! They make my eyes look brighter, don’t they?

Now it got me thinking… how will I look like in the next 10 years to come? Oh, we’ll see! I promise you I will write the same post again 10 years from now! Stay tuned (for ten years), hehehehe.

Night night!

My 2018 Greatest Lesson

I initially planned to close this 2018 with writing my personal kaleidoscope along the year, but then I found that this time, I’d rather write something more useful for my blog readers. After writing a confession about my depression in the previous post, here I write a post about the greatest lesson I learned in 2018.

In this year, I’ve come to learn that I should never let bad moments in life diminish the value of the good ones happened to me along the year.

Just because some people don’t feel the same way like I do, it doesn’t mean they don’t care at all. They do care about me, only in different ways.

I also learned that just because some people do not appreciate me, it doesn’t mean the whole world refuses to see my efforts.

And just because the people I care about didn’t seem to want me in their life, it doesn’t mean that I’m completely unwanted by anyone else. I have to accept that I am just not everyone’s cup of tea.

I won’t ever again let one bad event in life overpower the good memories I have ever had. And I won’t let the people who hurt me leave the most marks in my heart over the ones who were always there for me to support and help me with the little things.

It also means, just because I stumbled upon a few disappointments in 2018, it doesn’t necessarily make the whole year as a failure. Apart from my problems, in 2018 I managed to make a good progress on evolving myself, I made another milestone in my career, my life was merrier with all the new people I met, and most importantly, I feel so much love… Love from my friends, my colleagues, and my teammates at work. I guess I had no luck when it came to romance, but it doesn’t mean that all the love I got from other people were not as valuable. It feels good knowing how I played an important role in someone else’s life journey and I’m touched knowing how they appreciate me for that.

It’s such a relief that I close this year with all these positive feelings. I finally realized that even though I didn’t always get all the things I really wanted, but instead, God has given me all the things I really needed. The things that I never thought I need in life. And to me, that’s even better.

Thank God for this year! Thanks for all the good and the bad times! This year was insane! This will definitely be a year I will never forget.

Happy new year 2019 to my blog readers and I wish nothing but a wonderful year to come!

How I Got Out from Depression – Only in a Month

How do I know that I was depressed? Because I started to show the symptoms. It was still the early stage I guess, but still, it was really the worst one month of my life!

In the beginning, I refused to admit that I was depressed. I was one of the happiest persons I knew and depression was just never my thing even in the hardest times of my life. Until one night in the office, I felt so alone and so upset for no reason. I decided to Google the symptoms of depression and there I was… having to admit that I had problems with my mental health.

Here are what I felt during my depression phase:

  1. I tried to avoid crowd as much as I could. I only wanted to be alone. I didn’t even come to my niece’s birthday lunch just because I didn’t feel like spending weekend with anybody. I isolated myself from the outside world anytime it was possible for me to be alone;
  2. Lost interest in doing all the things I always enjoyed to do. I still wanted to travel somewhere in the first week of my depression, but then when I really had the chance to solo travel, I decided that I didn’t want it anymore;
  3. I started to question why I should live longer. It’s not that I wanted to die, it’s just that I was not interested to keep living like this anymore. I was sick of the same old problems over and over. The thought of having to deal with those nightmares in my entire life had really killed me from the inside. I didn’t feel alive anymore, somehow;
  4. I felt empty, incredibly sad, angry to myself, and what was even worse, I felt hopeless. I started to stop believing that things would ever change. I started to think that maybe, happily ever after was just not meant to be for me;
  5. I started to find how worthless and unlovable person that I was. I was trapped in that dark thoughts blaming myself for keep failing in so many past relationships (in friendship, romantic relationship, and even at works, sometimes). It felt like I had tried everything in my power but none of it took me where I wanted to be; and
  6. Someone else’s compliments didn’t please me anymore. I was very much inconsolable.

I am thankful that I quickly recognized that I was depressed. The first step of every problem solving is to admit that we have problem in the first place. Started from there, here are the efforts I did to get out of that depression:

  1. Find a friend to talk to. Yes, I was sitting alone on my bed at home, but I still tried to reach out my friends (phone calls and WhatsApp) just to talk about my feelings. And it really helped me to gradually feel better;
  2. Keep doing what I always do best: my job. I tried to stay focus and stay on top of my works knowing that I would only feel worse if I screwed up that one thing I was always good at. I just couldn’t afford anymore failures and apparently, all the positive results I got from my hard works eventually made me feel positive about myself. Little by little, I earned my self worth back to me again;
  3. I tried to dig the root cause of my depression. And this was the hardest part because apparently, it didn’t always take one big problem to make us depressed. The accumulation of small problems I tend to ignore was piling up until at some point, I just couldn’t take it anymore;
  4. Piece by piece, I started to find similarities between all those small problems that gradually irritated my feelings inside. And the funny thing is that, the root cause of my depression was already happening since one decade ago! What happened ever since only worsened that one problem I buried deep in my past;
  5. I started to make a solid plan; a plan that will take me a couple months just to get it done. It will take times, but still, coming up with a good plan already made me feel much better! I felt better and better as I started execute my plans with a great determination to get done with my unfinished businesses;
  6. Until I complete all my plans, I decided to focus more on all the good things in my life instead of the bad ones. I started to redefine my value and I told myself, “No matter how much flaws I have in me, it doesn’t diminish my value as a person.” When I was depressed, I judged that 2018 was a bad year to me. But then as I started to see at the bright sides, I quickly realized that I had good times in 2018 a lot more more than the bad ones. I started to wonder, “What am I complaining here?”
  7. I started to reconnect with my friends and families. I decided to go out there and I had a lot of fun along the way! Having great times with the loved ones has really distracted me from all the sorrows. I was just too busy to think of my problems;
  8. I started to sincerely let go of the things I couldn’t control. I didn’t want to insist, I’m just too tired of fighting something I cannot change. If my very best effort was never enough and there was nothing more I could do about it, then I just need to move on. I have to know that just because I’m about to close my problems with my past, it will not automatically solve my problems in the future. I will lose again, and I only need to be okay with it;
  9. I persistently pursued to close my problems back in the past even when I already felt a lot better about myself. That unfinished business is like a ticking bomb… sooner or later, it will only explode and hurt my feelings again. Just wait until I have another trigger and I will only fall to that dark place again. I hope by solving my unfinished businesses will help me to get through the hard times that are inevitable in my life; and
  10. I prayed, and I felt better. A friend of mine talked to me about her problems and she said, “I couldn’t imagine how I would feel right now if I didn’t even believe in God. My prayers have strengthened me to get through this rough times in life.”

For some cases, meeting a psychologist will most likely help. It helped me once, but this time, I knew that the only person who can saved me was myself. No matter how hard other people tried to drag me out of this depression, it would mean nothing unless I was determined to help myself. I knew I could help myself and I couldn’t be happier that I was right.

One other thing I’ve learned from this phase is that depression can happen to anyone of us. No matter how happy and successful our life is, it doesn’t mean we’re depression proof. And in fact, people who have achieved a lot in their life are even prone to depression because they had to deal with many obstacles that might have left wounds deep in their heart. I don’t know if there is anything we can do to prevent this episode in our life, but at least, now I know what to do when I get to that dark place deep on my mind.

Now it’s not a shame for me to admit this episode. I’m even proud to tell the world, “I was once depressed, and I pulled myself out of it.”

Tu Me Manques

Frustrated with writer’s block, I opened drafts folder in my WordPress blog and I found a lot of unfinished posts inside that folder. I didn’t find much interesting stuffs (if it’s good enough, I would have finished the post and published it) until I found the following post. It was beautifully written and the only reason I didn’t publish the draft because it would reveal how I truly felt of someone I cared about back then. I’ve moved on from him for more than a year by now but I still want to publish this just because it’s too beautiful to be kept to myself! It’s also a beautiful reminder how I once genuinely cared about someone else.

April 7, 2017

I miss the moment when everything was right. When I still had hopes and thought, “What’s next?” When this feeling was beautiful, when I could smile alone as I thought of you.

I miss the way you look at me. A deep and warm look on your eyes. I miss the way you never took your eyes off me when I spoke to you. That kind of look in your eyes that made me feel like I was the only one.

I miss the way you took care the little things for me. I miss our long chats. I miss your jokes, our jokes; that only the two of us could understand.

I miss seeing your smile behind your lens when you took picture of me. I miss listening to you singing a song that made me felt like you were singing for me.

And did you know? I also miss your cranky face. Your cranky voice. It never ceased to amaze me how some random guys could turn your mood upside down, just like that.

I enjoyed all the little things, the ups and downs, the struggles, the hopes, until it’s all gone the day you told me that I was wrong. The day I started to think that everything I cherished, all the things that made me miss you like this, was not real.

Everything is broken and I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know how to come back from the pain. I don’t know which parts were real. I don’t know what I did so wrong we ended up like this.

I really want to be so angry with you, hate you, and just walk away. But no matter how much I despise everything you did, there’s always a part of me missing you. The old you. Or maybe, the illusion of you. I don’t know. If my memories were wrong, then I miss being wrong.

Tu me manques. I miss you.

Back to 2018: I read this and I told myself, “Oh I’m a damn good writer, hehehehehe.”

When People Tend to Forget that I am Only a Human Too

Sometimes it hurts knowing that some people don’t consider how I might feel as an impact of the things they said or did. Just because I’m a tough person, that doesn’t mean I’m a superwoman with superpower! I’m only a human with feelings too. The truth is, I’m hurt when they hurt me.

When they bad mouth me behind my back.

When they choose to protect others or even protecting themselves even though that only means they hurt me badly.

When they keep me in the dark.

When they lie.

Or simply when they don’t tell me the truth that I desperately need.

They think I will be just fine. That I’m used to it. That I’m strong enough to get through all that s***. That I’ll move on and I’ll leave all that behind. And that I’ll be a survivor on my own.

Oh yes I will be all that. I don’t want to be permanently bent and broken no matter what. But is that really necessary to let me fight all those nightmares on my own? Is it really necessary to push me to deal with pain, or wonder, or disappointment over and over again? What did I do so wrong I deserve all that?

Just because I’m strong, it doesn’t mean I’m happy to be hurt.

Oftentimes I wish I could just look them in the eyes and tell them how wounded I really was. How I wish I didn’t have to deal with another heartbreak. And how I desperately wanted to let people know that I was not fine. Not at all.

Do you know what’s even worse from all these? It’s knowing the fact that the people who let me go through all these pains are sometimes the people I care about. The people whose opinions do count to me. The people whom I thought would always be “my person”.

I still remember a few years ago, I read this quote saying that the strongest people are mostly the most wounded. And now I find it so true! The more I look fine from the outside, the less people really care how I feel inside.

I also find it so true that everyone is fighting their own battle. Because so am I! Hence if you can’t be kind to me, at least, be kind enough not to be cruel. It’s not that I want you to pity me, it’s just that I want you to treat me as human with feelings inside. And to me, that would be a luxury.

Wanted: The Next Big Thing in Life

My birthday this year was quite a story. Two weeks before my birthday, my mood suddenly dropped and it felt such a hot mess inside. Just went back from an incredible holiday didn’t make me feel any better (I even thought it might be what people called as post-holiday blues). I tried everything I could do to cheer me up but none of it was working. I kept wondering and I asked myself, “On my birthday, many people will wish me a long life to live, but for what? What else do I want to do in the rest of my life?”

November 30 around 3 PM, in the middle of a meeting in the office, my teammates entered the room singing a birthday song with a birthday cake and three candles on it. Right before blowing out the candles, I made a wish. I simply wishes that life would find me a reason to live longer. Something that excites me to wake up early in the morning, something that brings smiles and big laughters on my face, something that makes every step I take feels lighter no matter how hard this life gets.

It’s not that I’m not happy with my life. I am happy with my life. It’s just that it feels like I’ve been living the same old life, dealing with the same old dramas, and winning the same old battles in the past 10 years.

Need some examples?

I’ve had enough guys coming to my life just to watch them leave not so long after that. I’m sick of wondering how they truly feel about me. At this point, I’ve started to think that maybe, happily ever after is just not my thing.

Need another example?

A promotion at work doesn’t feel as good as it used to be. Yes, it keeps me proud of myself but that’s that. I’ve went through 6 promotions in the past 10 years and I’m thankful of that, but somehow, the euphoria was just not there anymore. It’s like no matter how delicious a food is, I’ll eventually get bored eating the same food over and over again.

Traveling still feels as good, but I can’t travel everyday of my life anyway (and again, once it becomes “regular”, the hypes will fade away!). What about writing, shopping, watching movies and all the things I always love to do? They are all still fun, but still, they are not sufficient to become a good reason to have a long life, aren’t they?

You know… writing all these has really made me feel bad about myself. It might sound like I’m not grateful for everything I have in life. But well, if you know me in person, for sure you’ll know how grateful I really am. I’m grateful but I need changes, the big ones, in my life. I want to have a brand new chapter in life. I was once unhappy with my life so many years ago and I don’t want to go back there! Letting myself feeling this way (empty, unmotivated, bored, emotionally tired and mentally exhausted) will eventually makes me less happy than I am right now. And to me, living an unhappy life is a nightmare!

I’m determined to figure out what is the real problem that leads me to this feeling and what I should do to make myself feel better over this weekend. If you guys have any idea, feel free to let me know! I desperately need an enlightenments at the moment. I hope this horrible feeling is just temporary and it will soon go far away!