I Could Be Anything but a Coward

Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve been trying so hard to be more courageous than I was yesterday. It’s not that I was born brave; it’s just that I push myself so hard to be bold enough even in the most difficult times.

The 8 years old me pushed myself to sleep alone in my room (I put a Qur’an right next to pillow for the first 2 weeks hoping that it would keep all the ghosts away, hehe).

The 15 years old me pushed myself to go asking how I ended with a bad score in an English test directly to the teacher (I was 100% sure that I nailed the test). I still remember how nervous I was before entering that teacher’s room. I was frozen in front of her room trying to convince myself that I would be just fine.

As a grown-up at work, I never hesitate to speak up and give feedback everytime I find it necessary (and it includes feedback for my super mean bosses). I’m not afraid of traveling abroad just by myself. And then in personal life, I didn’t hesitate to ask this question to the guy who kept me wonder where I stood, “How do you actually feel about me?”

Sleeping alone in my room taught me how to be brave. Filing complain to my teacher about my grade taught me how to fight for my rights. Giving feedback to my horrible bosses taught me how to solve a problem (gossiping behind their back will NEVER solve any of it!). And finally, asking how my crush actually felt about me taught me how to get out of my misery. All of it combined have really helped me to win my battles, get many things that I deserve, and turn a lot of my dreams to reality.

I often see many people around me doing stupid things, even in the very little things, just because of their fear. They lie, they pretend, they fake, they hide, they run away, or they simply stay quiet in the name of, “Silence is gold”. It really makes me wonder, “Is it really that hard just to be brave?”

I may have many flaws, but fearful is not one of them. And I couldn’t be more proud of it! I would be ashamed of myself if I ever let my fear got in the way. Give it a try and make yourself proud of you too!

Guys, This Is a Guide on How to Be a Lovable Man

In the past one decade, I’ve met a couple of gentlemen who treated me very well. Some of them were my dearest friends, some of them were the ones I fell in love with. Let me write this short list as an appreciation to each and everyone of them!

I love it when a man puts me before himself

I still remember a guy who gave me his only helmet to keep me safe (his other helmet was stolen that night). The same guy who cleaned the side of my dining table (a dirty one) in a Burger King restaurant.

There was also another guy who screened the food menu just to make sure there would be something I could eat (I was a picky eater), the same guy who asked for forks and spoons just for me to the waiters everytime we ate in Japanese or Chinese restaurant (I was terrible at using chopsticks).

I love it when a man takes a very good care of me

One day in Ramadhan a couple years ago, I was occupied with a conference call with my colleagues far away in China. It was fasting break time but I was too busy just to grab my own meal. Without being asked, a guy in my team brought the food for me right to my meeting room so that I could eat immediately. He was the same guy who took a plate and cutleries so that I could eat my cake on my desk (I was starving but I still had so many works to do).

There was another officemate who bought me an aspirin when I told him that my head hurt. The same guy who brought me my favorite TV shows DVD to my place when I was sick. He is my very best friend who is always around, that kind of friend who makes me hope that best friends forever is not just a myth!

I love it when a guy carefully listened every little thing I said

I once said that I didn’t like to sit in the middle of the back seat of a car and one guy remembered that very well. He gave up his window side seat for me because he said he knew that I disliked sitting in the middle. He was the same guy who bought me a movie DVD that I always wanted to watch (I only told this to him once and he remembered me when he saw that disc in a shopping mall).

Another guy found me a specific comic book that I was looking for many years ago (Detective Conan volume 13th). I didn’t mean to ask him to give me that book, but he listened how I wanted that book so badly and he brought one for me.

I love it when a man tries his own way to make me smile

I will never forget the day a guy sang me a song with his guitar. He sang the lyrics and he looked at me in between his song. Did you know what the song title was? It was, “Best I’ve Ever Had” by Vertical Horizon.

A dear friend handmade me a beautiful notebook with my name engraved to it. He put some quotes that fitted me perfectly in that book (and yes, he knew me that well!), and when he gave that book to me, he wrote a note saying that he gave that book as a celebration of our one decade friendship and he also wrote that one silly story on our first met. That gift had really made my day!

I love it when a man makes me feel like I’m the prettiest girl on earth

I once told a friend that I felt ugly without my make-up on that day, and he replied, “You actually look pretty now.”

I had a date with a guy and he never took his eyes off me. Some pretty girls passed our table but he didn’t look away. I also told him how beautiful my sister was, I showed him my sister’s picture on my phone, and he said, “I think she’s not that pretty.”

I simply love it when a guy looks me in the eyes and he smiles at me. Even without saying a word, what he does is more than enough to make me feel beautiful.

I love it everytime a man shows how well he knows how to be a gentleman

It’s the little things like carrying my heavy luggages, giving up his seats for me, driving me home in the middle of the night, or as simple as waiting until I catch my cab first. Men like this are somehow harder to find these days.

Oftentimes I think, I didn’t express enough gratitudes to the guys I mentioned in this post. You know… I’m just not good in expressing this kind of thing. My expression might look just flat despite the fact that I felt touched inside my heart! So here I write it all in this blog just to let them know how thankful I am. All the girls who end up to be with them are certainly the lucky ones 🙂

World Cup & The Worst Heartbreak Ever!

World Cup always reminds me of the worst heartbreak I have ever had. It had nothing to do with the World Cup itself, it’s just that the guy who took off was a big fan of football match and I happened to wave him goodbye in a World Cup season 8 years ago. I still remember one particular night when I couldn’t sleep thinking of him and I decided to watch a World Cup match to get myself bored hoping it could make me fall asleep. But of course it didn’t work! It made me think of him even deeper than before! That’s exactly why World Cup ends up identical to that one particular guy 😅

How bad was that heartbreak? Oh well, it was actually the reason behind this post. He took off, I felt so broken inside, I buried myself in tons of works from AM to AM, and then I got sick.

There is still this one untold story about what happened that night when I rushed myself to Medistra hospital. After the doctor letting me go, I still failed to sleep tight that night. As I wrote in that blog 8 years ago, I woke up in the middle of the night with itchy rashes all over my body. The truth is that what happened that night was actually way more than just my itchy skins.

I felt extremely weak when I woke up that night. My stomach hurt so much I wanted to find help. I walked to my bedroom door but you know what? I was too weak just to press my bedroom door! Knowing that I was the only help I had, I decided to go to the bathroom that was located in my bedroom. I lived in my aunty’s home at that time and the bathroom was a big one with vanity desk, dry toilet, bathtub, and shower all in one room. After pouring the powders all over my body, I felt weaker and weaker. I never thought pouring a handful of powders could be so exhausting!

I decided to go back to my bed but that time, I was not strong enough just to walk 3 meters away to my bed. My sight got blurry and it felt like I was about to pass out. So I stopped trying to walk back to my bed and I decided to lay down on the bathroom floor!

That night, when I laid down on that cold bathroom floors, I thought of him again and I told myself, “Enough… this torture has to stop right here right now! I have to stop torturing myself for the one that got away. I should love myself enough to let him go!”

Right after that night, I finally decided to move on with my life. I stopped hoping he would come around, I stopped trying to figure out how to make things right, and I stopped blaming myself for everything that I did wrong. The irony is that, even after all my efforts to let him go, it took me another 3 years to completely move on. It was not because I wanted to, it was merely because one day he called me and he told me he was going to get married with his new girlfriend. Somehow to me, that day was also some kind of happy ending: it was a way out ticket from my misery.

I have been very careful with my heart ever since all those episodes. I never let myself fall for someone until I know for sure what I was falling into. And then tonight, as I read a news update on 2018 World Cup, it brought back memories and I started to question myself. “Have I really moved on from this guy?”

Yes, I have no feeling remains and I’ve even stopped searching for answers on what really happened between he and I… but I’m just wondering if my decision to be very protective with myself was a right decision to make. In the past 8 years, in the process of me protecting myself, I might have hurt the ones who genuinely cared about me. I was so scared I refused to believe on a new beginning.

I wish I could end this post with a happy ending or conclusive action plan on what I shall do from now on… but that’s not the case, not this time. Relationship is always one thing I’m terrible at and I haven’t managed to find the reason why. Whatever it is, there is this one important thing I know: I don’t want to end up laying on the bathroom floor again!

And I hope, I really really hope, at some point of time, I can just watch a World Cup match as if nothing ever happened to me many years ago. That to me my friend, would be my ultimate moving on goal!