Just Surviving Your Life is NOT Enough… You’ve Got to Thrive and Be Happy with It

What I’m about to share might sound ordinary as this kind of problem can truly happen to anyone of us. It can happen to anyone of us, but I’m afraid not everyone is aware that it’s a real problem they’ve got to fix. I hope this post can help anyone who reads this to finally realize that each and everyone of us deserves to have a better quality of life.

It all started in the last quarter of 2018. Suddenly, I got sick very often. Nausea, stomachache, random headache, and coming down with the flu over and over again. I thought, I was only tired because of the long nights I spent in the office. 

And then on my birthday last year (in the last week of November), for the first time in my adult life, I got extremely bored with my own life. It felt like I no longer had any good reason to wake up in the morning and start my days. I no longer had anything to look forward to. I started to have troubles sleeping at night  (I went to sleep between 2-4 AM almost everyday) but then I would get sleepy during the day. I barely slept tight at night and it made me wake up feeling physically tired every morning. What was even worse, I often lost my appetite and there were times I perceived eating as a liability. I thought it was only a phase that would pass anytime soon. I refused to admit that I had a problem with my own life because it didn’t feel right for me to complain after so many blessings I had in life.

Coming to 2019, tons of works (along with the pressures that came with it) and piles of personal problems made everything even worse. But still I thought everything that happened to me was not a big deal. I “only” got disappointed that some people were nice in front of me but then they bad mouthed me or made fun of me when I was not around, some people lied and broke their promises over and over again, and some people hurt and left me wondered what I did wrong. It felt beyond horrible yet I still insisted that they were all common grown-up problems so that I pushed myself to behave like an adult and just be okay with it.

I kept telling myself I was okay and everything was just fine until in the middle of this year, something very bad happened and I started to lose hopes that my life would ever get any better like it used to be. I lost my faith in other people, in my future, and it made me cry over the nights despite the fact that I’m not that kind of girl who easily cries. And then one night, after spending an hour crying alone in my room feeling mentally and physically exhausted, out of the blue, I told myself, “I’m okay if I have to die right here right now.”

Knowing that my mental condition was worsening, I pushed myself to go out of the house. At that time I always made excuses that I stayed at home because l was sick and I needed some good rest, but that day, I decided to go out to shopping mall and only 30 minutes later, I passed out in that shopping mall. My family rushed me to a hospital and I had to spend the rest of the week in that hospital. After countless of tests, I was diagnosed with two chronic illnesses in stomach, two chronic illnesses in intestines, and two mild heart problems. I took 3-6 pills of antibiotics a day for almost a month but I didn’t get much better. My condition was worsening again only one month after I was discharged from the hospital. Only God knows how tired I was coming back and forth to the hospitals at that time.

I decided to seek for second opinion and my new internist said that my former doctor already did all the right things yet somehow, my body didn’t respond the meds. He decided to appoint me to meet a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with moderate and prescribed me with anti anxiety pills for two weeks. My psychiatrist said that those anti anxiety pills would help the other meds from the internist to cure my stomachache. And you know what? I got better only less than a week. My body instantly felt lighter, my appetite significantly improved, and what’s even better, my insomnia was healed too!

Determined to continue living a healthy life without further help from anti anxiety pill, I made myself some life transformation plans.

I started to regularly workout. Yoga, zumba, and pound fit. 

I started to do all the things I always love to do again (writing, traveling, shopping).

I joined weekly event at Al Azhar mosque (their weekly event is a good food for a moslem’s soul). 

I surrounded myself only with the people who genuinely care about me.

I also met a shrink to openly talk about my problems.

And most importantly, I finally got rid of the toxic people from my inner circle.

My families, best friends, and some people at work told me that I looked much brighter, healthier, and happier now. S*** still happens, but I manage to deal with it gracefully. 

The most important lesson I learned in the past year is that it’s okay to admit that I’m not okay and that I have every right to be angry. People can’t be a jerk and hope I would still perceive them as an angel nor a saint. When I admitted that I was not okay, I started to find my way to make it better. And when I admitted that some people were toxic to me, I started to make some plans to intoxicate myself from them. I know letting go is not always easy when it comes to people we care about, but caring should be a two ways street. We can’t take care of someone who only puts our wellbeing at risk. Love yourself enough to walk away from the people who only sees the bad in you and make you feel like you’re never good enough for them.

Don’t let yourself drawn in misery. You only live once and unhappy life is NOT a normal life. Just surviving your life is actually not enough; you have to thrive and be happy despite the ups and downs in your everyday life. Heal yourself and make your life a better place for you to live in.

Be happy, no matter what. You owe it to yourself.

And I’m Finally Rising from The Dust

Hari ini sebetulnya hari yang biasa-biasa saja. Pagi berangkat kerja, menghadiri beberapa meetings, dan mengakhiri rutinitas kerja dengan membalas setumpuk e-mails seperti biasa. Kemudian jam 6 sore, saya bersiap untuk berangkat ke studio tempat saya akan mencoba olahraga pound fit.

Selesai olahraga, saya mampir ke Watson untuk beli sekantong penuh camilan, lalu mampir ke Pagi Sore untuk makan malam (dan tumben banget saya makannya banyak!).

Saat tengah menghabiskan makanan, saya mendengar lagu ulang tahun diputar di restoran dan sekelompok orang ikut bernyanyi untuk temannya yang tengah berulang tahun.

Melihat mereka yang tampak bahagia, saya ikut tersenyum lebar. Dan tiba-tiba saja, saya merinding. Rasa hangat yang menjalar dalam hati saya betul-betul terasa menyenangkan. Setelah melewati luka yang sangat-sangat menyakiti perasaan, kembali merasakan rasanya bahagia itu betul-betul tidak ternilai harganya. Tidak ada hal luar biasa yang terjadi hari ini, tapi saya tetap merasa bahagia.

Akhir-akhir ini saya menyadari… Meskipun masih ada hal yang menyakiti perasaan saya (dan selama saya masih hidup, akan selalu ada hal-hal yang menyakiti perasaan saya), saya tetap harus memberi ruang untuk diri saya merasakan bahagia. Dan meskipun saya tidak selalu mendapatkan jawaban yang saya butuhkan, saya tetap harus cukup kuat untuk melanjutkan “the next chapter” dalam hidup saya.

Dan dari semua perasaan positif yang sekarang saya rasakan, saya paling bangga dengan kemampuan saya bangkit dari masalah saya sendiri.

Saat saya merasa gagal dalam satu hal, saya beralih mencetak prestasi dalam hal lainnya. Hidup ini penuh dengan battles dan saya tidak harus ngotot bertempur dalam semua battles itu. I pick my battles and I’m happy with the ones I’m fighting for.

Saat saya merasa tidak dicintai, saya malah berhasil mencintai diri sendiri lebih dalam lagi. Dan bagian dari mencintai diri sendiri adalah dengan ikhlas melepaskan orang-orang yang hanya menjadi toxic dalam hidup saya ini. Memang berat, tapi saat beban itu akhirnya lepas dari pundak saya, rasanya betul-betul merdeka!

Dan saat saya nyaris merasa kehilangan harapan hidup saya bisa membaik dan kembali seperti dulu, saya justru pelan-pelan bisa membangun harapan baru yang membuat hidup saya malah terasa lebih menyenangkan daripada sebelumnya. Saya mulai menyusun rencana-rencana baru yang kemudian menjadi alasan untuk saya bangun tidur setiap paginya.

Bisa merasakan semua perasaan positif ini setelah sempat merasa hopeless dan sangat capek dengan hidup saya sendiri betul-betul terasa seperti anugerah. Ini salah satu momen pembuktian bahwa memang benar: what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!

I’m rising up from the dust… and I cannot ask for more. Alhamdulillah.